


goodbye stranger

by tinygrounder



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Drama & Romance, E-mail, F/M, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Humor, Romance, Slow Burn Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-16
Updated: 2015-07-20
Packaged: 2018-04-04 16:27:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 19,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4144644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinygrounder/pseuds/tinygrounder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two strangers, completely different in any possible way that never met before and probably never will.<br/>One typo, a really bad baking magazine and a christmas-mass-mail-psychosis later they have become friends. Right?</p><p>Clarke Griffin just wants to unsubscribe "Bells Bakery Magazine" and not much later finds herself in a conversation with a very broody, very mysterious Bellamy Blake.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. kind regards

**Author's Note:**

> hello! so this would be my very first attempt on writing a bellarke fanfiction and i am still not sure why i decided to upload this. some things before we get started: i already wrote a whole lot more, but i just upload the first part to see if this is going somewhere. this is a SLOW BURN. AND it's going to be a really long fic (when you look at the fact that it's written solely in e-mails) because i have sooo many ideas. i am NOT a native english speaker, so there may be some mistakes in grammar or spelling, because i don't have a beta and i am really sorry if it bothers you.  
> also: i got the idea from a book called "Gut gegen Nordwind", it's obviously german. SO. that would be it.  
> big thank you to burcu, who convinced me to continue writing and made me upload it in the first place.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one where it all started

_15th of January_

 

Subject: Cancellation

** I’d like to cancel my subscription. Would that be possible? Kind regards, C. Griffin **

 

 

_18 days later_

 

Subject: Cancellation

** I want to cancel my subscription. Is that possible via E-Mail? I await your reply. **

** Kind regards, C. Griffin **

 

 

_33 days later_

 

Subject: CANCELLATION

** Dear Sirs of the »Bells Bakery« magazine, **

** if your persistent ignoring of my attempts to cancel my subscription has the purpose of being able  
to sell more copies of your low level product, I regret to inform you: I will not continue paying! **

** Kind regards, C. Griffin **

 

 

_8 minutes later_

 

AW:

** You’re mistaken. This is a private address. I have  wordsofbells@blake.com   
You want:  wordsofbells@bake.com . You’re the third to cancel here. This magazine must’ve gotten really bad.  **

 

 

_5 Minutes later_

 

RE:  


** Oh, apologies! And thanks for the clarification. Regards, C. G. **

 

 

 

 

**— — — — —**

 

_9 months later_

 

Subject: Merry Christmas

** Merry Christmas and a happy New Year from Clarke Griffin! **

 

 

_2 minutes later_

 

AW:

** Dear Clarke Griffin,  **

** even if we don’t know each other at all, I still appreciate this kind and very original mass mail!  
You need to know: I love mass mails to a mass, that I actually do not belong to. **

** Rgds, Bellamy Blake. **

 

 

_18 Minutes later_

 

RE:  


** Sorry for the inconvenience, Mr »Rgds Blake«.  **

** It seems like you accidentally slipped into my customer file, because I tried to cancel a subscription  
some months ago and caught your address my mistake. I am going to delete it immediately. **

 

** PS:  **

** If you should ever find a more »original« phrase to wish someone merry christmas and a happy New Year  
than »Merry christmas and a happy New Year«, let me know. Until then: Merry christmas and a happy New Year! **

** C. Griffin **

 

 

_6 minutes later_

 

AW:  
  
** I wish you a very pleasant celebration and I am happy, that there is a new year right  **  
**around the corner that might count to one of the best in your life.**  
**And if you should ever subscribe to any bad days, feel free to - mistakenly - cancel them here.**

** Bellamy Blake **

 

 

_3 minutes later_

 

RE:  
  
** I am impressed!! C. G. **

 

**— — — — —**

 

_38 days later_

  
Subject: Not a single Penny!

** Dear valued »Bells Bakery Magazine«-publishers, **

** I tried to part ways with your magazine twice via mail and twice by phone. If you continue sending me your product,  **  
**I will see it as your private enjoyment. The bill I just received amounting to 189 Dollars will therefore**  
**just be a souvenir to remind me of your lovely magazine once I finally succeeded unsubscribing.**  
**Please don’t expect me to pay a single penny of this.**

** Respectfully, C.Griffin **

 

 

_2 hours later_

 

AW:  
  
** Dear Miss Griffin,  **

** are you doing this on purpose? Or did you subscribe some bad days?  
Rgds, Bellamy Blake. **

 

 

_15 minutes later_

 

RE:

** Dear Mr Blake, **

** I am deeply embarrassed. It seems like I have a chronic disease putting an »L« in front of an »A«.  **  
**When I type too fast and an »A« is following, there always happens to appear and »L« in front of it.**  
**You see, my middle fingers just love to start wars on the keyboard. The right one always wants to be first.**  
**I was born right handed, you know, but I changed my mind in school because I thought left would be so much**  
**cooler and way more individual. My right hand never forgave me for that.**  
**So that is why it always puts an »L« right before the »A«, just to annoy me and my left hand. Sorry for the inconvenience,**  
**it (probably!) won’t ever happen again.**

** Have a nice evening, C. Griffin **

 

 

_ 4 minutes later _

 

AW:

** Dear Miss Griffin, can I ask you a question? **  
**And here is another one: How long did it take for you to write this statement of your »L/A-disease«.**  
**Rgds, Bellamy Blake.**

 

 

_3 minutes later_

 

RE:  
  
**Two questions: What do _you_ think how long it took me? And why are you asking?**

 

 

_8 minutes later_

 

AW:  


** I think it took you less than twenty seconds. In that case: Congratulations, because for that short amount of time,  **  
**you truly did a great job. Your message actually made me smile. And that was almost an impossible thing to do tonight.**  
**On your second question: At the moment I professionally observe the language used in E-Mails.**  
**And now, another question: Not longer that twenty seconds, right?**

 

 

_3 minutes later  
_

RE:  


** Sooo, you professionally work with E-Mails. Very interesting, but now I kind of feel like a test subject.  **  
**Anyways. Do you have a homepage? If not, do you want one? If yes, do you want a more beautiful one?**  
**Because _I_ professionally work with homepages. (Until here it only took me about seven seconds.**  
**But it was business, that’s always quick-talk.) But honestly, you were totally wrong about my banal**  
**E-Mail about my »L-before-A«- issue. It most definitely did cost me about 3 minutes of my precious time.**  
**Well, maybe it was worth it?**

** Now, why would you think it only took me around 20 seconds? And - before I hopefully leave you in peace  **  
**(until »Bells Bakery« sends me another bill that is) - one last thing I am deeply interested in:**  
**You said »Can I ask you a question? And here is another one: etc…« Regarding this, I have two questions:**  
**How long did you take for this joke? And: Is that your kind of humor?**

 

 

_2 hours later_

 

AW:

** Dear stranger,  **

** I will answer this tomorrow. I am going to shut down my computer now.  
Have a nice evening, nice night or whatever.  **

** Bellamy Blake **


	2. guessing ages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one with lots of guessing

_4 days later_

 

Subject: Open questions

**Dear Miss Griffin,**

**apologies for not answering your mail the very next day, as I said, but I had a lot going on.**

**So you wanted to know why I assumed it took you not more than twenty seconds to write down your »L-before-A«-issue.  
** **Well, your E-Mail read like they are »babbled«, if you allow me that use of words.  
** **I would swear on cupcakes that you are a fast talker. And a fast typer, as much as a bubbly person in general,**  
 **who can’t wait to get everything done - preferably all at once and as fast as possible.**  
 **When I read your mails, I just cant identify any moments of pause. Before I get all linguist:**  
 **The way you mailed created a certain picture of you in my head -**  
**which was totally destroyed when you said it took you _way longer_ than twenty seconds.**

**As for my humor? That’s actually a sad chapter.  
To be funny you have to find at least the tiniest bit of a joke in yourself. Honestly: There isn't anything like that at the moment.**   
**When I think about the last weeks, years, there is nothing to laugh about. But that’s a private matter and surely does not belong here.**

**But thank you for this refreshing conversation. It was really delightful to talk to you.  
If you should ever mistype and E-Mail address and end up writing me, I would be thrilled.**   
**Just please, do yourself - and me! - a favor and finally cancel that subscription. It’s getting a little annoying. Or do you want me to do it?**

**Kind regards, Bellamy Blake**

 

 

_40 minutes later_

 

AW:

**Dear Mr Blake,**

**I need to confess something: It really never took me longer than 20 seconds to write that mail.  
** **I just didn’t like the fact that you could see right through me with that ease.**  
 **And I was angry that you saw me as a person that just sputters out everything just like that. I mean, you were right.**  
 **But you had no right to know it. You can add one thing to the list of my refreshing, delightful, babbling self:**  
 **I hate to be predictable or transparent. But you impressed me. I bet you have a PhD in English Language or Literature.**

** Clarke Griffin  **

 

 

_18 days later_

 

Subject: Hello!

**Hello, Mr Blake,**

**I just wanted to inform you that I successfully unsubscribed »Bells Bakery«.**   
**Did you intervene? And you could finally get in touch with me again, since I still don’t know if you are a professor.**   
**And Google doesn't know you. Or you know how to hide very well?**

** And what about your humor? Is it coming back? Is there any hope?  **

**Let me know, Clarke Griffin.**

 

_2 hours later_

 

AW:

**Dear Miss Griffin,**

**it’s nice to see that you mailed me again. I kind of missed you already.  
** **I was about to subscribe to »Bells Bakery« (See, humor is coming back! Sort of…).**  
 **And you really googled me? That’s charming. But I find it less charming that you think I am a »professor«, to be honest.**  
 **The way you write it, you seem to think I am some old crock. Stiff, meticulous,  smartass.**  
 **I am not frantically trying to convince you otherwise, because I might only embarrass myself.**  
 **Maybe I write older than I am. And, my suspicion: You write younger than you are.**  
 **I am a communication consultant, by the way.**

** And I have a PhD in anglistics. Busted? :-)  **

**Bellamy Blake**

 

 

_22 minutes later_

 

RE:  


**Dear Mr Communication Consultant,**

**do you have any idea which sentence of the mail above attracted most of my attention?  
And why I have lots of questions about it? I am curious if you’re able to guess it!**

**Oh, and by the way: you really need to work on your humor.  
** **First step: Do not warn people if you are about to make or just made a joke.  
Yet, I am smiling. Maybe we have the same sense of not-humor.**

**It’s nice, talking to you.  
Clarke Griffin.**

 

_10 minutes later_

 

AW: _  
_

**Dear Clarke Griffin,**

**thanks for the tip - I will definitely think of it when and if I try my next joke.**

**So you want to test me, right? Thank you for giving me the opportunity of showing you  
** **that I am not the »old, autocratic professor« you might think I am. In that case I would probably go for the part where**  
 **I told you about my profession and I would tell what I do specifically until you block my address.**  
 **Since I am not that, I would root for this one: »You write younger than you are«. Now you ask yourself:**  
 **What makes him think that. And: How old does he think I really am?**

** Right?  **

 

 

_8 minutes later_

 

RE:  


**Bellamy Blake, you’re a hell of a fellow!!!**

**And you better give me a good amount of rational reasons why I must be older than write.  
** **Or more precisely: How old do I write? How old am I really? Why?**  
 **And right after that you better tell me my shoe size. Since you know everything already.**

** Regards, Clarke.   **

 

_45 minutes later_

 

AW:  
  
**You write like you’re 30. But you’re around 40, let’s say 43. Why?  
** **A 30-year-old does not regularly read the »Bells Bakery«. The average age of a »Bells Bakery« reader would be around 50.**  
 **But I assume you’re younger since you professionally deal with homepages. That made you way younger again.**  
 **Then again: Which 30-year-old sends mass mails to their clients, wishing them »Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year«?**  
 **What is still confusing me, is your name. I never met a Clarke (and I met a lot of people!). I know a Clark.**  
 **But that’s a man. And he is way over 30.**

 **Anyways. You write like you are 30, but you are actually 43. Right?  
Maybe it’s not »Miss«, but »Mrs Griffin« after all?**  
 **Your feet are a size 6. You’re short, petite and feisty with dark, short hair.**  
 **And you babble, when you talk. Right?**  
  
**Have a nice evening, Bellamy Blake.**

_24 hours later_

 

Subject: ????????

**Dear Miss (Mrs?) Griffin,**

**have I offended you?**

**See, I don't know you. At all. Maybe you're 20 or 60. How am I supposed to know?**   
**Maybe you’re 6 feet tall and 220 lbs. Maybe your feet are size 12 and because of that you only**   
**own two pair of shoes, custom-made! To buy a third one, you had to unsubscribe the »Bells Bakery«**   
**and you had to send those mass mails to keep your clients on track.**   
**Just please, do not be mad at me. I had fun doing this and never intended to hurt or offend you in any possible way.**

**Bellamy Blake**


	3. getting closer

_2 hours later_

 

RE:  


**Dear »professor«. I start to like that humor of yours.  
It’s weird and way to close to some certain seriousness, but I like it. I will get in touch with you tomorrow.  
I am looking forward to it. **

**Clarke**

 

_7 minutes later_

 

AW:  


**Thank you! Now I don't have to worry anymore.  
Bellamy Blake**

 

_24 hours later_

 

Subject: Getting closer?

**Dear Bellamy (Let’s just forget that we have last names - deal?),  
** **I really enjoyed your last mails, I’ve read them several times. I find it  
interesting how you get yourself into a conversation with somebody you don’t know,  
that you never met before and probably never ever will meet. **

**So. There are some points I have to state on.**

**1.) You have a serious christmas-mass-mail-phobia! You keep mentioning it.  
And I really wonder where you got that one from. I wonder how »Merry Christmas and a happy New Year«  
could make me seem old. And what if I wished you »Awesome Christmas and a wicked new year«?  
Would that have had an effect on my »age«?**

**2.) So I write like I am 30. But a 30-year-old would never read »Bells Bakery?«.  
** **Explanation: I subscribed this magazine for my mother. Turned out that the oven hated her.  
** **And she started hating pastries. What now, Mr Communication Consultant With A PhD In Anglistics?  
** **Am I finally younger than I write?**

**3.) My name is cool and very individual, just like my left-handed handwriting. Deal with it.**

**  
I have to leave you with this - for now - because I have an appointment. Client?  
** **Dancing classes? Manicure? Cup of tea with Henrietta and her 4 cats from next door?**

**I’ll let you choose.**

**Have a nice day! Clarke.**

 

 

 _3 minutes later_  


RE:  
  
**Oh, and one more thing: You were right about my shoe size. 6, I mean.  
Not that I expect you to buy me shoes now, no worries. I got them all! ;-)**

 

 

 _3 days later_  


Subject: Something is missing

**Dear Bellamy,**

**three days without one of your mails makes me feel two things:  
1.) I am surprised.**

**2.) Something is missing.**

**Both is unpleasant. Do something!**

**Clarke**

 

_24 hours later_

 

Subject: FINALLY!

**Clarke,**

**I wrote you every day. I just never sent any of the mails. No, I actually deleted all of them.  
The thing is that I have come to a quite awkward point where  
I want to get to know **_more_ about a certain Clarke Griffin with shoe size 6. 

**But as you already indicated: »Someone that you never met and probably never ever will meet«.  
Which I totally agree on. Because it’s very, very smart and realistic to assume that there might never happen a  
meeting between the two of us. **

**And I don’t want this conversation to lower its standards to a lonely hearts chatroom banter.**

**I hope that certain Clarke Griffin with shoe size 6 has a nice day,**

**Bellamy**

 

 

 _33 minutes later_  


RE:

**Uh-huh. So that certain Bellamy professor Blake does not want to know what that  
certain Clarke Griffin with shoe size 6 looks like? At all? I really do not believe that.  
Every man wants to know how a woman looks like who he is talking to, when he doesn't know how she looks like.  
After finding out, he decides if he wants to continue talking to her. Man 101. Or not?**

**Clarke**

 

 

_8 minutes later_

 

AW:  


**That was more of a hyperventilation than a real mail, right?**

**I don’t even need to know what you look like as long as you give me impressions like these.  
I already have a clear picture of you.**

**Bellamy**

 

_19 minutes later_

 

RE:

 

**You’re wrong, Bellamy. I was absolutely calm and not hyperventilating at all.  
You don’t want to see me when I hyperventilate. By the way, you seem to love avoiding to  
answer my questions at all costs, right? (And I wonder: How do you look like when you say »right?«?)**

**Let’s take a look at that mail from before again:  
1.) You write mails to me but you never send them?**

**2.) Why do you think it’s »awkward« that you want to know »more« about me?  
I feel the same way about you - who wouldn’t? The whole point of this conversation  
is that we are complete strangers and we know nothing about each other.**

**3.) You think its very smart - no, »very, very smart and realistic« to assume we would never meet each other?  
** **I envy your lack of curiosity.**

**4.) You don't want this to be a lonely hearts chatroom banter? I agree on that. And it’s not.  
** **Otherwise I wouldn’t enjoy this so much. And it wouldn’t be that easy for me.**

**Good lord, I really hope that this time you may answer all of the above. But that’s really doubtful, _right?_**

**Clarke**

 

_5 minutes later_

  
AW: 

**You’re not you when you’re not using 1.) 2.) 3.) and so on, _right?_**

**Bellamy**

 

_2 hours later_

RE:  


**Oh really, Bellamy, I expect more than this!**

 

 

_2 days later_

 

Subject: Nothing???

**Am I waiting for nothing?**


	4. sharing secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one about lilly

_12 hours later_  


Subject: Personal

  
**Clarke,  
 **  
**I decided to tell you something private.**  
**It’s an odd feeling since all we do is trying to get to know the other without really achieving anything**  
**and without revealing to much of ourselves. We’re create those pictures in our heads.**  
**We ask challenging questions knowing that they won’t be answered.**  
**We politely talked about our jobs. Because of a local magazine we know that we live in the same,**  
**rather big city. But what do we really know about each other? Nothing. We know nothing, that is the truth.**  

 ** And because of that and the fact, that it’s almost christmas and I am getting a little sentimental  **  
**(Can you believe that it’s already been over a year when you accidentally wanted to unsubscribe that damn magazine?)**  
**I decided to tell you a little something.**

** This is so cliché and it’s probably never going to happen again, so mark that day in your calendar, dearest Clarke.  **

** Her name was Lilly. A few months ago I would probably have said „is“ but now it’s „was“. **  
**After five years of _something_ without a future, it finally ended. I am going to spare you the details of this relationship.**  
**The best about it was always the fresh start. And since Lilly and I both loved to start over,**  
**there was a fresh start every few months. It was the real deal, the big love,**  
**but only when we weren’t together, only trying to find ourselves again.**

** When I found out about the other guy, I was certain that Lilly was the love of my life.  
And I had to do something, _anything_ , to get her back, to keep her. **

** For weeks I did everything and even a little bit more. Again, I am not going to tell you the details.  **

**She was this close to give me - us - another chance: Christmas in Paris.**  
**I asked her to come to Paris with me and - if you’re not laughing already, you can do it now, with my official permission -**  
**I wanted to propose to her. She just wanted to wait for the other guy to come home from his job and tell him about what was going on.**  

 ** She never even had the guts to call me. I received a lousy e-Mail, saying something like:  **  
**»Bellamy, I am sorry, I can’t, blah blah, Paris would just be another lie, blah blah, forgive me. Blah, blah, blah«.**  
**See, giving up would be so incredibly unusual for me, so I immediately wrote back:**  
**»Lilly, I want to marry you. I am sure. I want to be with you, and you know you want to be with me.**  
**We belong to each other. Trust me one last time. Give me one last chance. Come with me to Paris.«**  
**(No blah blah’s because i am always precise, as you may already know).**  
**So I waited. I waited and I am a little embarrassed to say that while I waited I looked at all**  
**those pictures and recaptured all those memories we made, all those fresh starts.**

 ** I waited and I feared I waited for nothing. I fixed a final deadline. **  
**I promised myself to wait until 9 pm, then I would just give it up and move on.**  
**It was 8:57 pm when my laptop made this sound to announce an incoming mail.**  
**HOPE! There it was, my heart skipped a beat. I am certain that I was really close to a heart attack.**  
**It took me a while to calm down. Then I opened the mail and I read it, over and over and over again:**  
**»Merry Christmas and a happy New Year from Clarke Griffin!«**

** So much about my christmas-mass-mail-phobia.  **

** Now my question: do you still want me to write you? **

** Bellamy. **

 

_two hours later_

 

RE:  


** Destiny? Coincidence?   
** ** I am still trying to figure out if you think that I had either the worst or the best timing ever. **

** Clarke. **


	5. talking real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one about marriage

_15 hours later_

Subject: Real Talk

 

**Hello, Bellamy. I reread your mail several times and after a pleasing amount of coffee and pancakes I am ready for an answer.**

**1.) Apparently you're a man that only seems to find interest in women when he wants them  
and when he is just about to lose them. The time in between, also known as »relationship«,  
seems to be rather boring to you. ** _Right?_

**2.) And the fact that you would give up your freedom that easily to bind a woman to you that  
** **you were just about to lose shows that you don’t think very highly of the act of marriage. _Right?_**

**3.) You were married before. _Right?_**

**4.) I can actually see you there, whining over some old pictures, mails and thoughts of make-up sex,  
instead of _really_ doing anything to let the so-called love of your life know that you are still there,  
waiting for her, ready to do anything necessary. **

**5.) Well and then there is MY mail. Of course there is, and just like that, a very random  
»Merry christmas and a happy New Year from Clarke Griffin« turns into:  
BELLAMY, IT’S OVER BECAUSE IT NEVER REALLY STARTED. Something Lilly should’ve said a long time ago, I fear.**

**6.) And then you do something really brave. You answer Lilly saying:  
LILLY, YOU ARE RIGHT, BECAUSE IT NEVER REALLY STARTED or, in other words:  
»Dear Clarke Griffin, even if we don’t know each other at all, I still appreciate this kind and very original mass mail!  
You need to know: I love mass mails to a mass, that I actually do not belong to. Rgds, Bellamy Blake.«**

**7.) Now my question: Do you still want me to write you?**

**Clarke**

 

_ 2 hours later _

AW:

**Well, Clarke!**

**On 1.) It’s not my fault that I remind you of a man that broke your heart -  
just like you accurately described above. And don’t pretend to know me better than you can  
(YOU DONT KNOW ME AT ALL).**

**On 2.) I cant do more than calling myself an »idiot« for what  
I was ready to do to save this whatever-it-was. But thank you for making me feel  
better about myself. :-)**

**On 3.) Sorry, never have been married before. What about you? More than once, _right?_**

**On 4). And there he is again, the man I remind you of, who’d rather  
look at old pictures than prove his love. Maybe it was more than one man?**

**On 5.) You’re right. The moment I received your mail I knew I lost Lilly forever.**

**On 6.) The reason I mailed you back was to distract myself from this epic failure.  
Until today I saw this conversation as my very own kind of a Lilly-processing-therapy.**

**On 7.) Oh well, don’t let me stop you! If it makes you feel better you can be all cynical and mischievous.  
And if not, you can always subscribe »Bells Bakery« again and unsubscribe the »Blake«. **

**Have a nice day, Bellamy.**

 

_11 minutes later_

 

RE:

**Oh damn! I hurt you. I never wanted that. I thought you could deal with that.  
Maybe that was just to much. I am sorry.   
** **Good night, Clarke**

**PS: On your 3rd point: I was only married once. - _And I still am!_**

 


	6. being married

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one with caps

_1 week later_

 

Subject: Weather

 

**Shitty weather, _right?_**

**Clarke**

 

 

_3 minutes later_

 

AW:  
  
**1.) Rain 2.) Snow 3.) Sleet**

**Bellamy**

 

 

_2 minutes later_

 

RE:  


**Are you still mad?**

 

 

_50 seconds later_

 

AW:  
  
**Never was.**

 

_30 seconds later_

 

RE:  
  
**Or do you just don’t feel comfortable to mail with married woman?**

 

 

_1 minute later_

 

AW:  
  
**I just wonder about how willingly married woman want to talk to complete strangers.**

 

 

_40 seconds later_

 

RE:  
  
**So how many of those married woman do you have in your contact list?  
How many percent of you your Lilly-processing-therapy am I really?**

 

 

_30 seconds later_

 

AW:  
  
**Ah, good to know that you’re coming back to your old self. You seemed a little tired,  
shy and rueful for a moment and I was almost worried.**

 

 

_30 minutes later_

 

RE:  


**But I really need to tell you something: I am so sorry for that E-Mail from last week.  
I sounded bitter and I was being rude and almost disgusting. The problem is, that you don’t know how I _am_ when I say something  
like that. I am not as cynical in real life as I might sound. **

**And by the way: Thank you for opening up to me and telling me about Lilly. Soooo, what is/was she like?  
How does she look like? What is her shoe size? Oh, and since we are talking about looks:  
what do **_you_ look like?

**Clarke**

 

 

_1 hour later_

 

AW:   
  
**Dear Clarke,  
** **I really really don’t want to talk about Lilly anymore. Not with you. Not now, not ever.**

**Have a nice evening, Bellamy**

 

 

_20 minutes later_

 

RE:  
  
**Fine, let’s just not talk about the weather again, okay?  
Clarke**

 

 

_3 days later_

 

Subject: ?

**Are you alive? Have I offended you AGAIN? Where are you?**

**Clarke**

 

 

_1 day later_

 

Subject: OH MY GOD

**MISTER BELLAMY BLAKE??????**

 

 

_2 days later_

 

Subject: CAPITAL LETTERS!

**YOU MAKE ME WRITE IN CAPS! I NORMALLY DON’T DO THIS. BUT WHERE ARE YOU?!  
** **I MISS BELLAMY! I MISS MAILS FROM BELLAMY!**

**!CLARKE!**

 

 

_1 day later_

 

Subject: ….

**Asshole.**


	7. planning a date (sort of)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one about something-like-a rendezvous

_3 days later_  


 

Subject: So good to be home

**Dearest Clarke,**

**it’s so good to come after some pretty stressful days and find those nice mails from you waiting for me.  
** **I like the last one most. »Asshole.«? Well thank you for the warm welcome  
** **and I really missed you too. You once said you hate to be transparent, predictable?**  
**The way you write me makes you really see-through, but I really enjoy your emotional roller-coaster.**  
**I just can’t be mad at you.**  
**I was just wondering about a few things (and for that I will use your beautiful numeration system) :**

 **1.) Why is a woman like you - a happily! married woman - so interested**  
**in some random stranger and gets so upset when he is not writing her for a few days?**

** 2.) What does her husband think about that?  **

**3.) Why do you want to know how I look like? Why?  
It doesn’t really matter at all. You don’t need to know.**

**Sincerely, the Asshole.**

 

 

_2 hours later_

 

RE:

**Oh. My. God. First things first: YOU ARE BACK!  
(I kind of get used to the Caps, you better get used to them, too!)**

**I take back the whole »asshole«-thing, so please forgive me for that.  
** **So, where were you? What happened? Why were the last days stressful? Are you okay?  
** **And because I know that you probably won’t ever answer to those questions, I will answer yours.  
Because I am nice. You should try that sometimes.**

 **On 1.) What is so bad about me showing some kind of interest in you? We have been writing  
** **for what feels like forever and I loved every single day and every single mail of it.**  
**You make me escape reality on a regular basis and I got addicted to it. If you don’t mail me, I freak out.**  
**That’s the truth.**

 **2.) I bet you expect me to say something like: »Uhm, well…« or skip this entire point.**  
**But I told Finn about you some time ago. The conversation went (somewhat) like this:**  
**I told him I was talking to that nice Communication Consultant once in a while.**  
**He: Do you know him?**

**Me: No.**

**He: Do you want do get to know him?**

**Me: No.**

**He: What is this then?**

**Me: Nothing.**

**He: Okay.**

**That’s it. And with that I am done talking about my husband with you.**

**3.) I want to know what you look like because I am one hell of a curious person.  
** **You’re not the only one having a picture of the other in front of him whenever writing a mail.**  
**I would just want to know how realistic that certain picture is.**

** Don’t judge me.   **

**Clarke.**

 

 

_21 hours later_

Subject: Test

**Clarke,**

**do you really want to know what I look like?  
** **I dare to say that I am able to find the »real« Clarke in a room full of people - let’s say in between 20 woman -**  
**while you, on the other hand, would never be able to find me, among the same amount of men in the same room.**  
**Bellamy**

 

 

_50 minutes later_

 

RE:   


**Do you want to make this a bet, Mr Blake? Do you want to meet me?  
** **Clarke**

 

_2 hours later_

 

AW:  
  
**Actually, I want to _not_ meet you, Mrs Griffin. But let’s make it a bet anyways.  
** **Here is what I had in mind. Call me crazy, but I really think it suits our amount of weirdness:**  
**I bet you know Dayton’s Café and Restaurant? It’s the perfect location:**  
**Big and always crowded by a good amount of a mixed clientele.**

**In a time span from, let’s say, about two hours, we will both be there.**

**But: Even if you think you recognize me, or I think I recognize you,  
** **none of use will come up to the other and say »hello«.**  
**(Can someone say hello in Caps? If yes, you would do it, I bet on that, too.)**

**Because this place is always so crowded, none of us (hopefully) will attract attention while observing the crowd.**

**After those two hours we go home, and talk about who the other one could possibly have been.  
As you see, I like to keep it interesting. **

**What do you think? Do you want to not meet me?  
Bellamy.**

 

 

_5 minutes later_

 

RE:  
  
**Next Sunday afternoon, 3pm - 5pm.**


	8. (almost) meeting each other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one with even more guessing

_25 hours later_

 

Subject: Vino tinto

**Hola, Bellamy. I know it’s late, I am sorry. I am drinking, red wine, and I am thinking about you.  
Do you want to drink a glass with me? We could be online drinking buddies! Do you even like red wine?  
Or wine in general? And have you ever been to Spain? Please say yes to all the questions, even if that would be a lie. **

**I was thinking about our not-meeting on sunday. You know that we cant be on time,  
like exactly arriving at 3 pm and leaving at 5. We can’t do that. That would be sooooo suspicious. _Right?_**

 

_3 minutes later_

   
RE:

**I am drinking the third one now. Where are you? Last chance!**

 

   
_12 minutes later_

 

RE:  
  
**You definitely missed out, Mr Blake. Too bad. Drunk me can be fun. Good night.**

 

_9 hours later_

 

Subject: Too bad 

**Dear Clarke,**

**I am sorry for missing out on the opportunity to meet the drunk you.  
I was out and came home pretty late, because - SHOCKER! - I really do have a life aside from writing you.**

**I will make up for that some other time.  
** **Your future online drinking buddy,  
** **Bellamy**

 

 

_4 hours later_

 

Subject: Absence 

**Dear Clarke,**

**I don’t want you to freak out (or call me an asshole once again) and because of that I am telling you now,  
that I am going to Prague tomorrow until Saturday night. I will mail you when I get back.  
Until then…  
  
** **Bellamy.**

 

_20 minutes later_

 

RE: 

**PRAGUE WITH??????!?!?!?!??!?!**

 

 

_4 minutes later_

 

AW:   
  
**No, Clarke, don’t.**  

 

_50 seconds later  
_

 

RE:  
  
**Fine, just don’t come back broken-hearted.  
Prague is the opposite of Rome. And maybe even worse to deal with. **

**Enjoy Prague for two and mail me when you get back,  
** **Clarke**

 

 

_2 minutes later_

 

AW:   


**More like Prague for three. Going with friends. A couple..  
Good night, Clarke. Until Saturday. **

**Bellamy**

 

 

_4 days later_

 

Subject: Prague disaster

  **You were right about that city. They decided to break up.  
****Looking forward to tomorrow. That’s still happening, right?  
****Bellamy.**

 

 

_5 minutes later_

 

RE:  
  
**I cant wait to not meet you. See you tomorrow. (Maybe.)  
****Clarke.**

 

 

 

 

 

_26 hours later_

 

Subject: To meet or not to meet

**Bellamy, were you really there?**

 

 

_5 minutes later_

 

AW:

**Of course.**

 

 

_40 seconds later_

 

RE:  
  
**Shit.**

 

 

_2 minutes later_

 

AW:   
  
**Shit, what?**

 

 

_1 minute later_

 

RE:  
  
**The men that could have been Bellamy Blake were totally and absolutely not worth discussing.  
In matters of looks, that is. Sorry, but if you were one of my _candidates,_ then my imaginary  
Bellamy got totally destroyed. Honestly: Were you really there? You did not hide on the toilet or under the  
counter or watched from outside through the windows?**

  


 

_2 minutes later_

  
AW:

**Yes, I really was there, Clarke.  
Now tell me: What did those Bellamy Blake candidates look like?  
**

 

 

_20 minutes later_

 

RE:   


**Fine, let me tell you about my »finding Bellamy Blake in an overcrowded café«-experience. Even though I dread it.  
** **There were only three potential Bellamys. Why? They were the only ones alone, drinking and searching the crowd  
without trying to catch anybodies attention. **

 **Number 1.) And god help me if it was you: middle-aged, dark hair… everywhere, sturdy, short, yellowish - maybe once white -  
shirt, drinking a whiskey on the bar. If that was you: Well, to each his own…  
** **I am sorry, I really don’t mean to be rude, you know. I just can’t but to be honest as always.**

**Number 2.) Another man. Or should I say boy? That was the problem. He was WAY to young, about 21 and...  
** **pierced. That’s just not Bellamy.**

**Last one: Number 3.) Former High-School Football Star, broad, likable, not that bad from the outside, to be honest.  
But he just seemed - I AM SORRY - retarded. And since you are one of the smartest persons I  
know (even though I don't really know you), that just couldn't be you.**

**The only _interesting_ man in there was the one standing on the bar, all dark curls and wicked smile. BUT, sadly, he was there, holding hands, with this super hot model lady, - her dark her was so long, I am still jealous! - only had eyes for her and not even once turned around. There were lots and lots of people just to young or too old to be you, too searching or too shy to be you. I have no idea who you could have been. I just found out who you are  _not._**

**So my question is now: Did you trick me, Bellamy Blake? You were one of the waiters, _right?  
_** **A confused Clarke**

 

 

_2 hours later_

 

AW:  
  
**Not to sound arrogant Clarke, but I knew you would never recognize me.**

 

 

_24 seconds later_

 

RE:  
**  
TELL ME WHO YOU WERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

 

 

_30 seconds later_

 

AW:  
  
**Not one of the waiters.  
****But I am pretty sure I know who you were.**  

 

 

_40 seconds later_

 

RE:  


**Is that so? SHOOT! I am really curious, Mr Blake.**

 

 

_3 hours later_

 

Subject: 3 possible Clarkes 

**I admit that I also have three potential Clarkes. But I am 101% percent sure that one of them is you.**

**A) Original Clarke - fits the picture of you I had in my head for some time now; seat: near windows;  
hair: brown and short; drink: white wine; wedding ring (!), age: mid-30s; height: around 5,4 ft; shoe size 6 (!!);  
overall: beautiful, but not arrogant, obviously nervous and unsettled,  
failed her duty of unconsciously observing the people around her**

**  
B) Blonde Clarke - seat: bar; hair: blond, wavy, shiny; drink: coffee, water; wedding ring (!),  
age: definitely younger than in my head/ around 27;** **height: 5,6?; shoe size 6 (!!),  
overall: beautiful and definitely aware of it; mostly fixed on her sketchbook and a pen;  
fancy style of clothing (and nice uhm, cleavage, if I may say so)**  
  
**C) Surprise Clarke: changed seats three times in two hours; hair: red, long, curly;**  
**drink: water; age: +-30; height: 5,8?; overall: beautiful, athletic and casual, but feminine;**  
**extraordinary green eyes; could not hide her shaking hands and was obviously look for/waiting for someone**  
  
**What do you say?  
****Bellamy.**

**  
PS: Noticed how I used A) B) and C) instead of 1.) 2.) and 3.)? ;-)**

 

 

_20 minutes later_

 

AW:  
  
**Look at those details, Mr Blake!  
****But tell me something: Why are all those women listed as »beautiful«?  
Was that a factor while you were »looking« for me? Why? And which one of those would you prefer to be me?**

**Clarke**

 

 

_13 minutes later_

  
RE:  
  
**Because you damn well know that you are beautiful. Words are, what I know best,  
Clarke and it’s really easy to understand the meaning of yours.   
****And it really doesn't matter, which one I would prefer to be you. It’s not important.  
****Bellamy.**

 

 

_10 minutes later_

 

RE:  
  
**Tell me if you’re one of those Clarkes and I will give you a hint on my identity.**  

 

  
  
_50 seconds later  
_

 

AW:   
  
**I really am one of those three and you are a genius. Now give me a hint!**

 

_ 5 minutes later  _

 

RE:  
  
**Do you have siblings, Clarke?**

 

_20 seconds later_

 

AW:   


**No, I am an only child. Was that my hint?**

 

 

_1 minute later_

  
RE:  
**  
Yes, that was your hint.**  

 

 

_30 seconds later_

 

AW:  
  
**But that’s not hinting at anything AT ALL???**

  


 

_50 seconds later_

  
RE:  
  
**I have a sister.**  

 

 

_1 minute later_

  
AW:  
**  
That’s very nice, Bellamy. You can tell me about her some other time, if you want to.**

 

 

_20 minutes later_

 

AW:  
**  
Bellamy, what is this? TORTURE!**

 

 

_33 minutes later_

 

RE:  
  
**My sister Octavia and I are very close. We talk to each other a lot and she means the world to me.  
That’s it, I am not helping you anymore!!!**

 

 

_5 minutes later_

  
AW:  
  
**???????????????????????????????????????????????????????  
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????**

**Not helping at all, Mr Blake!**

 

 

_15 minutes later_

  
RE:  
  
**Ask me, what my sister looks like.**  

 

 

_12 seconds later_

 

AW:   
**  
What does your sister look like?**

 

 

_2 minutes later_

 

RE:  
  
**She is pretty and has really long, dark hair.**  

 

 

_2 minutes later  
_

 

AW:   
  
**Good for her, but I give up.  
****Rude, Bellamy, very rude.**

 

 

_15 minutes later_

 

RE:  
  
**My sister is a model. Good night, Clarke.**  

 

 

_25 seconds later_

 

Subject: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

** NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **

 

 

_15 seconds later  
_

 

Subject: ???????????  
**  
ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????????**

 

 

_19 seconds later_

 

Subject: ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

**SUPER HOT MODEL LADY? YOU WERE THE GUY HOLDING HANDS WITH HER!**

 

 

_5 minutes later  
_

 

AW:   


**1.) Yes. 2.) No. 3.) Yes. 4.) Yes, indeed.**

 

 

_20 minutes later_

 

RE:  
  
**You lied to me.  
And shit, shit, shit. I can’t really remember anything else then a mop of dark curls and a broad back. **

 

 

_7 minutes later_

 

AW:  
  
**I would never lie to you, Clarke. I just tricked you.  
****Octavia offered to help me when I told her about my plan. You not really noticing us because you thought we  
were a disgustingly cute couple (which was weird to do with my sister, I have to admit that) was exactly the plan.  
I purposely turned my back to the center of the room, while Octavia scanned the potential Clarkes for me.  
I basically typed of the list she later made: Sorry, if something may have been… inappropriate.**

**I hope you’re not mad because I bet you at my own game.  
** **Bellamy.**  

 

 

_40 seconds later_

 

RE:   
  
**I am just glad you are not the hairy guy.**

 

 

_34 seconds later_

 

AW:  
  
**Clarke, you are definitely too focused on outer appearances…  
****But I am glad I am not that guy either.**


	9. reading between the lines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one where it got personal

_ten minutes later_

 

RE:  
  
**If it wasn’t you to find those potential Clarkes, but your sister…  
How did she know? And who does she think I was?  
Please tell me,  
the real Clarke.**

 

 

_3 minutes later_

 

AW:

**She said »That could be her« about one of them.  
With »That is most definitely her« she described another one.  
And about the last one she said »You would fall in love with her«. **

 

 

_50 seconds later_

 

RE:  
  
**WITH WHICH ONE WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE?????????**

 

 

_1 minutes later_

 

AW:  
  
**That, Clarke, is something I can assure you I will NEVER EVER tell you.  
** **Thank you for this really interesting, little »game«.  
** **I really like you.  
** **Bellamy**

 

 

_35 seconds later_

 

RE:  
  
**The boobs. I would bet a million dollars.**

 

 

_1 minute later_

 

AW:  
  
**Not a chance, Clarke.**

 

 

_ 16 seconds later _

 

RE: 

**OH MY GOOD, it IS the one with the boobs!!!!  
And you say I am the one too focused on outer appearances.  
** **UH-HUH!**

 

 

_ 50 seconds later _

 

AW:  
  
**Stop using this word.**

 

 

_ 12 seconds later _

 

RE:  
  
**Boobs?**

 

20 seconds later

 

AW:  
  
**YES, that one. Please stop.**

 

  


_16 hours later_

 

Subject: Bad day  
  
**Dear Bellamy,  
** **did you have a good day? I really hope so. I had a bad day. Bad, bad day.  
** **Good night,  
** **Clarke.**

**(Oh, and if you think about Clarke now, about which Clarke do you think?  
Do you even still think about Clarke at all?)**

 

 

_4 hours later_

 

AW:  
  
**When I think about you, Clarke, I don't think about either one of the three woman my sister described to me.  
I think about my very own Clarke. And I think about her a lot.  
** **And what was so bad about your day?  
** **Good night, good morning,  
** **Bellamy.**

 

 

_6 hours later_

  
Subject: Good day?

**See, that’s what I call a »good« day. I open my mailbox and I find mail from Bellamy Blake.  
No mail from Bellamy yesterday. Nothing. Not a word = BAD DAY.  
It’s like one of those days you don’t want to get out of bed.**

**Oh, Bellamy. I think we should stop this. I already got addicted to this electronic conversation and  
I can’t spend my entire day waiting for a mail of a man, who turns his back on me when we meet.  
Who doesn't really want to get to know me. Who uses me and my words to create his very own, very  
imaginary ideal woman because he is fed up with the ones in his real life.  
** **This is all so exhausting, Bellamy. Do you understand me?  
** **Clarke**

 

 

_2 hours later_

 

AW:  
  
**I really do understand you. But I have four questions:  
1.) Do you want to meet me in person?**

**2.) Why?**

**3.) What do you want to happen?  
**

**4.) Do you want to tell your husband about it?**

 

 

_30 minutes later_

 

RE:   


**1.) Is that a serious question? Of course I want to meet you in person!!!! For real, this time.**

**2.) I might be able to answer this _after_ we met and _really_ got to know each other?**

**3.) I don’t _want_ anything to happen. Whatever happens, happens. **

**4.) Depends on what exactly might happen.**

 

 

_5 minutes later_

 

AW:  
  
**So you would cheat on your husband?**  


_ 1 minute later _

 

RE:  
  
**Who said that?**

 

 

2 minutes later

 

  
AW: 

**I know how to read between the lines.**

 

 

_ 25 seconds later _

 

RE:  
**  
Be careful not to read between the wrong lines.**

 

 

_33 seconds later_  


  
AW:  
  
**What’s wrong about your husband?  
  
**

 

_15 seconds later_

 

RE: 

**Nothing, absolutely nothing.  
Why would you think that something is wrong about him?**

 

 

_ 50 seconds later _

 

AW:   
  
**I know how to read between the lines.**

 

 

_45 seconds later_  


  
RE:  
  
**How? (You’re going all linguist on me again and it’s annoying.)**

 

 

7 minutes later  


AW:  


**The way you write makes it quite clear that you want something from me.  
Even though you’re still not sure what that _something_ is.  
But you think you can tell me as soon as you really got to know me.  
But that you _want something_ is uncontroversial. Or let’s better say you s _earch something_.  
An adventure, maybe? And if you are searching for an adventure,  
you are definitely not experiencing one at the moment. ** _Right?_

 

 

_20 minutes later_

 

RE:  
  
**You really are a smartass, Bellamy Blake.  
Yes, I am searching for something. Actually, I am searching for _someone_ to give  
me an accurate definition of what it means to »cheat on your husband«.  
Because I don’t get how wanting to meet your internet friend face to face for  
once would count as cheating. But if that’s so, you are free to call me a cheating wife. **

 

 

 _5 minutes later_  
  
AW:  
  
**But, just to be sure, you still wouldn’t tell your husband anything about it.** _Right?_

 

 

_15 minutes later_

  
RE:

**Whatever your problem might be: I don't like you today, Bellamy.  
I am _happily_ married and for me - and Finn - that means I don’t owe  
him an explanation for everything I do or everywhere I go.  
Other than that I would probably bore him to death.**

 

 

_4 minutes later  
_

AW:   
  
**So you wouldn’t tell him just to be sure you’re not accidentally killing your beloved Finn by  
telling him about my oh so boring personality? That’s the nicest thing you have said to me in a while.**

 

 

_6 minutes later_

RE:  
  
**You have no idea about my marriage or my »beloved Finn« (don’t ever write that again, I hate it).  
Let’s just stop talking about it and get back to where this conversation started today.  
Can we meet in person? YES or NO?  
**

 

 **  
  
** _47 seconds later_

AW: 

**Can’t we just continue writing like we did before?**

 

 

_20 seconds later  
_

  
RE:  
  
**I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT. He really doesn’t want to meet me.  
What if I am the one with the boobs, Bellamy?  
**

 

 **  
  
** _2 minutes later_

  
AW:  
  
**That’s it for today, Clarke.**

 

 

 _18 seconds later_  


RE:  
  
**Maybe. For today!**


	10. finding comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one about death and grief

_4 days later_

Subject: Are you alive?

**HELLO?  
** **Clarke**

 

_24 hours later_

Subject: Is this a bad joke?

**If it is, you can go and eff yourself. I am not writing you anymore.  
Bye. **

 

_5 days later_

Subject: I lied.

**Here I am, once again.  
** **Did you run out of electricity, Bellamy?  
** **I miss you. I am worried. Just let me know you’re alive.**

**Clarke (just in case you forgot who I am by now)**

 

_3 minutes later_

AW: 

**Fine, Clarke. Let’s meet. Do you still want to?  
When? Today? Tomorrow? The day after tomorrow? Tell me when.**

 

 

_15 minutes later_

RE:

**So he IS alive. What the hell happened to Bellamy »let’s just keep on writing instead  
of meeting« Blake? TEN days! That explanation better be good!**

 

_  
5 minutes later_

AW:

**My mother died. Good enough?**

 

 

_20 seconds later_

RE:

**Shit, really? How?**

 

_3 minutes later_

AW:

**Malignant tumor. Don’t worry, it was quick.**

 

_  
50 seconds later_

RE:  
  
**Where you with her when she died?**

 

_8 minutes later_

 

AW:  
  
**It’s always the same questions.**

 

 

_2 minutes later_

RE:  
  
**I know, I am sorry. Do you want to meet and maybe talk about it?  
I have some experience with that. It could help a little. **

 

 

_12 minutes later_

  
AW:

**Tonight?**

 

 

_20 minutes later_

RE:

**I am so so sorry, Bellamy, but I can’t tonight. What about tomorrow?  
Around 7 pm? In a café? Do you have a little time?**

 

 

_7 minutes later_

AW:

**Tomorrow is the funeral. Maybe after that.  
I will send you an e-Mail around 5 pm and let you know.  
Even under those sad circumstances: I am looking forward to see you.**

 

_  
30 seconds later_

RE:

**Me too, Bellamy.**

 

 

_22 hours later_

  
Subject: So sorry!

**Clarke, I am sorry, but I have to cancel our plans. Rain check?  
** **Something happened. I’ll explain it to you tomorrow.  
** **Bellamy.**

 

 

_2 hours later_

  
AW:

**Okay, but what happened? Are you alright?**

 

_  
2 minutes later_

  
RE:

**Lilly happened.**

 

 

_20 seconds later_

  
AW:

**Oh.**

 

 

_26 hours later_

 

Subject: Lilly

**Dear Clarke,  
what got in the way of our meeting yesterday was - as I already  
told you - Lilly. My mother really liked her and that definitely was a mutual feeling.  
Yet I never really expected her to show up at the funeral, after all that happened between us.  
But she was there. And she was miserable. See, I hate to be pitied,  
but I am one of those people who compassionates others even more.  
And there she was: All black and tears and I felt even more sorry for her than for myself.  
Which is really weird, I know. She was MY mother. So we spent the day together.  
But I am really, really thankful that you would have been there for me, too.  
That makes me trust you even more.**

**Bellamy.**

 

 

_3 hours later_

  
AW:

**It’s fine. Rgds, Clarke**

 

_5 minutes later_

  
RE:

**No, it’s not fine when you write »it’s fine«. Tell me, what is it.  
Do you feel rejected? If so, why?  
You should know that I never intended to hurt you if that’s the case.**

 

 

_2 hours later_

  
AW:

**No, no, really, it’s nothing, I am just really busy.**

 

 

_8 minutes later_

  
RE:

**I know that this is not true, Clarke. Remember how good I am when it comes to reading between the lines?  
I feel bad when I think about you being mad at me. Even though you had absolutely no right for that.**

 

 

_9 minutes later  
_

  
AW:  
**  
Stop babbling, Bellamy.  
Tell me: How did »comforting« the poor Lilly go?**

 

 

_8 minutes later_

  
RE:

**I get it now.  
Not that it’s any of your business, Clarke, but we just talked.  
But shame on Bellamy Blake who dares to meet up with his ex after his mothers funeral.  
And all of a sudden a very married (!!!!!!) Clarke Griffin (is that even _your_ name) shows all signs of jealousy.  
You think I abandoned you for mournful sex with the ex?  
Well, then I can tell you that not even 6 hours after my mothers funeral that exact thing almost happened.  
Have a nice night.**

 

 

_9 minutes later_

AW:  
  
**How do you »almost« sleep with someone? And why just »almost«? What stopped you?  
That must be a thing only men can do. Poor Lilly. I bet she is still thinking » _almost, almost, almost…._ «  
  
PS: I never took Finns last name, Clarke Collins would be too weird. **

 

 

_15 minutes later_

RE:

**Sex, sex, sex. Is that always the first thing you think about?  
Even it is none of your goddamn business?**

 

 

_6 minutes later_

  
AW:

**Dearest Bellamy,  
** **with all due respects to your mothers death, I wasn't the one to brag about how he »almost« slept with the ex.  
** **You know I am curious, but I got it now that I am just no one who has no right to know anything.**

 

 

_23 hours later_

  
Subject: Clarke

**Dear Clarke,  
you are not _no one._ Not for me. You are a really special someone,  
who gives me something to look forward to day by day: your words. You question me, make fun of me,  
fight with me and you make me smile. Also very angry sometimes, but still.  
The problem is that we are still strangers pretending to know each other.  
Don't get me wrong: I don't want to stop talking to you. But we have to set some boundaries.  
You, for example, should not care with who and how often I have sex, just like I am not interested  
in nor even asking about the sexual intercourse with your Finn.  
Those are things we should just keep to ourselves, everything else is just not helping us anyways.  
Talking to you about my mother, even if it were just a few words,  
helped me more than you could ever imagine. In that moment, I wanted to let you in.**

**I wanted to get as close to you as possible. And if you would have had time to meet me, that would have happened.  
_And then what?_ Talking, talking, talking, until there is nothing left to talk.  
I would have told you about my not so easy life, would have put that burden on you.  
_And then what?_ Disillusionment.  
_And then what?_ Who knows, but would we still write like we do now?  
What would we talk about now? Would we even still write at all?  
I am scared, Clarke. I am scared to lose my always pleasant, oh so charming and sometimes annoying,  
too curious companion. I want to keep you. I want to keep things as they are. _  
I can’t lose you, too._**

**Yours, Bellamy.**

 

 

_3 hours later_

RE:  

 

**This is my favorite topic ever and I can’t just ignore it, so:  
I am sorry - BUT I CAN’T JUST PRETEND NOT TO CARE ABOUT WHEN OR HOW OR HOW OFTEN AND WITH WHOM YOU HAVE SEX WITH.  
Especially not if it’s the woman that broke your heart. To be continued, I have to go.**

**You know what I really hate about you? How you treat the fact that I am married:  
»sexual intercourse with _your_ Finn«. I know you love to be so formal, but are you freaking kidding me?  
What is this? You are talking about my marriage like it’s something ridiculous, at least you make it look like you  
think about it as a joke. In you very own way. And I hate it. Making fun of my marriage? Uh-uh! Stop it.**

**Oh, and another thing: You talk about not crossing some lines. Well, guess what: That. Already. Happened.  
And _there are some lines you can’t uncross._  
** **We never talk about our jobs, hobbies, real interests, what we talk about is personal. Always was.  
** **Good night.  
Clarke.**

 

 

_3 hours later_

 

Subject: Ew

**I really don’t like you today.**

 

 

_20 minutes later_

 

RE: **  
  
I really don't like myself today.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just wanted to say:  
> i know clarke is the one saying "i can't lose you, too" and bellamy the one talking about uncrossing lines (to finn). but i switched those lines on purpose. :)
> 
> hope you liked it!


	11. drinking whiskey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one about cheating

_7 days later_

 

Subject: Break’s over

**Dear Clarke,  
** **it’s been a week and I can’t continue not talking to you anymore. (A WEEK!)  
** **I hope you have a very nice evening.  
I think about you a lot, in the morning, afternoon, evening, night, basically all the time.   
** **Do I still owe you an apology for my immature behavior from before?  
** **Yours,  
** **Bellamy.**

 

 

_2 hours later_

 

AW:  
  
**Finally, Bellamy.  
You know how addicted I am when it comes to your mails and finally - FINALLY - I am  
able to read them again. Took you long enough.  
You don't owe me anything, especially not an apology, because be both acted the wrong way.  
And your sweet words are more of an apology than I would ever want.  
What to you think about drinking some wine tonight, around midnight? You and I?  
Everyone behind their own screen of course? Are you in?  
  
**

 

_5 minutes later_

 

RE:  
  
**We can do that. Is your F. F, Fi, Fin- is your husband not at home tonight?**

 

_7 minutes later_

 

AW:  
  
**Dear Bellamy,  
** **asking questions about my husband and my marriage are your favorites, _right?  
_** **It seems like you want to punish me for being married. -  
Yes, Finn is going to be at home tonight, probably in his study room, or reading on his couch or sleeping  
in his bed like normal people do around midnight. Are you happy with that answer? **

**  
**

_  
20 minutes later_

  
RE:

**Yes, I am happy with that answer. Yet I am wondering: Why isn't your husband  
reading »our« couch, but »his« couch, or sleeping in »his« bed, instead of »our«.  
And why are you so ambitious on pointing this out? **

 

 

_3 minutes later_

 

AW:  
  
**Dear Bellamy,  
** **believe it or not, but in this house everybody actually has their _own_ rooms and beds and couches.  
Because - SHOCKER - everyone lives their own lives. **

 

_9 minutes later_

 

RE:  
  
**Then why do you even live together?  
  
  
  
**

_12 minutes later_  
**_  
_ **

AW:  
  
**Oh Bellamy, that is really adorable. There are no »PRIVATE PROPERTY - NO TRESPASSING«  
or »OFF LIMITS TO UNAUTHORIZED PERSONNEL« signs anywhere. Everyone has their own room,  
but is always welcome in the others’.  
Learned something new about marriage?**

 

  
2 minutes later

RE:  
  
**Thanks for the lesson. I have to go now, talk to you around midnight!  
** **Bellamy**

 

 

_midnight_

 

Subject: Whiskey

**Claaaaaaaarke Griffin, you there?  
** **Midnight, it’s midnight! I waited for it to be midnight waaaaay to long.  
And I am in a whiskey mood - sorry. You can still drink wine if you like. Red, white or blue. I  
don't care (I know that there is no blue wine, okay, I tried to be funny). **

 

 

_2 minutes later_

 

AW:  
  
**Woah there, Bellamy, that was not written after your first glass of whiskey, _right?  
_ I have to admit, I imagined this to be different. But Bellamy - dead drunk! I don't know if I  
am confused or intrigued! I am drinking wine, red wine, my favorite. (Blue wine? Not funny, by the way!)**

 

 

_5 minutes later_

AW:  
  
**Clarke, Clarke, Clarke, Clarke. I like your name, I like writing your name. I like you.  
And I crave you. Do you want to come over? I want to hear you, feel you - I don't even need to see you.  
We can turn off the lights. Don’t worry, we won’t do anything bad. You are married.  
I am well aware of that. I am a little drunk, forgive me. Octavia says you’re beautiful, whoever you might be.  
I don’t care what you look like, I already fell for your words. I am so sorry, maybe I am not just a little drunk.  
What a shame that you're married! No, stop, wait. It’s good. I am happy that you are happy, that you are married, that is good.  
Are you cheating on your husband, Clarke? Would you ever? No, you wouldn’t. Don’t do it, it’s so wrong.  
And it hurts to be cheated on. I know what it feels like. Yes, I am a little bit more that just a little drunk.  
Lilly cheated on me once. Well, I know about that one time. When you see Lilly, you know she cheats. That’s not love.  
But I don’t want to talk or think about Lilly. I want to think about Clarke. I think about Clarke a lot.  
Too bad you’re married, we would've been so good together. I am sure of that.  
Clarke, Clarke, Clarke. I should go to sleep now, before I accidentally tell you that a big part of me wants to kiss Clarke.  
Oh, no.  
I am sorry. Goodnight.**

 

 

_16 hours later_

 

Subject: No more whiskey for Bellamy Blake

**I just hope you feel a little bit bad after what you wrote….**

 

 

_24 hours later_

 

Subject: ?  
  
**You’re doing it again. You are ignoring me.  
It was just kidding, yesterday. Your e-Mail was definitely a little inappropriate,  
but you we’re drunk and I laughed a little. Everything’s fine. You can mail me now and we will just forget this.  
Okay?  
**

**  
  
** _3 days later_

 

Subject: Please

**Bellamy, answer me, please. I miss you, again. Please, please please.**

 

 

_9 seconds later_

 

AW:  


**AUTO REPLY: THE OWNER OF THIS E-MAIL ACCOUNT IS CURRENTLY NOT AVAILABLE  
AND WILL NOT BE ABLE TO READ HIS E-MAILS UNTIL MARCH 8. **

 

 

_2 minutes later_

 

RE:  
  
**ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?**


	12. coming home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one with the phone call

_14 days later_

Subject: Sicily 

**Dear Clarke,  
** **I am back! The subject may have already revealed my whereabouts over the last two weeks: Sicily.  
I am going to keep this as short as possible.   
** **I went to Sicily with Lilly. Another try, another fresh start and a quick end.  
I don’t really know how I expected this to go, to be honest. But I wasn’t really surprised when Lilly decided to  
fly back after no more than five days. She said she didn’t feel comfortable at all and couldn’t  
pretend that this was worth another shot any longer. It was a mutual feeling.  
No drama, n** **o shouting, no fighting at all. It was almost terrifying how peaceful it went,**

 **compared to any other of our break-ups.  
  
** **I am not going into detail about this, but there is one thing I need to tell you  
(and it had nothing to do with how this went!).  
  
** **I told Lilly about you. And she thinks I am crazy. »You don’t know how she looks like,  
how old she is or how she might really be like. And she is _married._  
Yet you seem to care about her more that it’s healthy for you.« That was when I realized something very important.  
** **»This woman«, I told her, »gives me the opportunity to think about someone else than you.  
And still feel something very similar. Clarke confuses me, makes me angry, mad, happy,  
makes me feel comfortable, uncomfortable, laugh, smile and scream. Sometimes I don't know if I want to hug her or choke her.  
She is smart, she is funny, and also really annoying sometimes.  
But what is most important: She is there for me. In a weird way, but that still counts.«**

**She left without another word. So, Clarke. Am I crazy? Am I a fool for holding onto this, whatever this is?  
Since we know this isn’t anything _real?_ Or is it?  
So, that’s that. I stayed for a few more days and took some time for myself.  
In two weeks, I never touched my phone or my laptop, not even once. And it felt amazing.  
I am sorry for not telling you, but it was so spontaneous and I really needed some time off.  
I really hope you’re alright, Clarke.  
Yours, Bellamy.**

 

 

_9 seconds later_

AW:

**AUTO REPLY: HELLO, THIS IS CLARKE. I AM ON VACATION WITH MY HUSBAND AND MY DOG UNTIL MARCH 15.  
I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO READ MY MAILS. **

 

  
  
2 minutes later

RE:  
  
**You have a dog?**

 

  
  
7 days later

 

Subject: The dog

**Her name is Fox and she is the most adorable thing ever. I bet you would like her.**

 

 

_2 hours later_

AW:

**How was you vacation with your— with Finn?  
  
PS: That's not a dog's name.**

 

 

_9 minutes later_

RE:

**Great, awesome, wonderful. Couldn’t have been better. Really.  
  
PS: Yes, it is.**

 

 

_20 minutes later_

AW:

**Oh, really?  
  
PS: Whatever.**

**  
** _3 minutes later_

 

RE:  
  
**YES, really. :-)  
  
PS: Don't whatever me, Mr Blake.**

**PPS: Oh and: I don’t care how crazy Lilly thinks you are or how ridiculous she thinks this »friendship« is…  
please don’t ever stop writing me.**

 

_21 hours later_

Subject: Whiskey and/or wine?

**Bellamy, it’s 9:22 pm and I am drinking red wine, as usual. It’s my first glass, don’t worry.  
But do you want to join me? (Only if you can behave yourself).  
Believe me, I really missed you over the last few weeks. While on vacation,  
I spent too much time thinking about you than I should’ve. You are such a mystery to me, Mr Blake.  
It’s not even your looks I wonder most about. I mean: What do you look like when you smile and do you have dimples?  
But also really important: What does your voice sound like? I need to know that, it’s for science.  
And I would bet that you love to use your hands to gesticulate while talking. ** **_Right?_**

 

 

_5 minutes later_

AW:  
  
**Dear Clarke,  
I know you love my ideas, so here is another one: You want to hear my voice?  
I want to hear yours, too. 772-2330. Call me, leave a message. Just a short one.  
Say a few words, then hang up. I will do the same. No real conversation, obviously. What do you think?  
  
**

 

_2 minutes later_

RE:

**Bellamy, you always need it to be complicated, _right?_ Instead of just making a _real_ phone call,  
you prefer this. But whatever, I am in. Give me five minutes so I can finish this glass of wine,  
then we can call. Both at the same time, okay? 792-2123. Tell me when you’re done. **

 

 

_15 minutes later_

AW:  


**Did you do it?**

 

 

_20 seconds later_

RE: 

**Of course. And you?**

 

 

_50 seconds later_

AW:  
  
**Sure. Shall we listen to it, then?**

 

 

_19 seconds later_

RE:

**Yes, please. I’ll be back, when I finished listening to your voice.**

 

 

_18 minutes later_

Subject: Shock?

**Bellamy? Are you in shock? Is my voice that bad? Tell me what you think, please.  
You have no idea how excited I am right now. **

 

 

_2 minutes later_

AW:

**Do you always sound like that?**

 

 

_10 seconds later_

RE: 

**Like what?**

 

 

_2 minutes later_

AW: **  
  
I don’t know, I would say… hot? Like you’re praising something really dirty in a sex ad. **

 

 

_10 seconds later_

RE:  


**So you don’t hate my voice?  
**

 

_3 minutes later_

AW:  
**  
I like your voice. I like the way you say my name. I like the way you say »whiskey, whiskey, whiskey«.**

 

 

_5 minutes later_

RE:

**You know what: _I_ really was in shock for a few moments. Was that even you calling me?  
You cursed! Bellamy Blake, who never curses in his e-Mails and whose words always  
seem so formal and decent (most of the time, at least).  
This Bellamy Blake said »shit« three times within 5 minutes.  
And stuttered a little!  
With such a deep, husky voice.  
I need more. **

 

 

_1 minute later_

AW:  


**If you could see me right now, you would know I am smiling like an idiot.  
** **Thank you, Clarke.  
** **I should go to sleep before I get to tempted to drink another glass.  
You know where this might be going..  
** **Goodnight.**

 

 

_9 seconds later_

 

RE:

**Goodnight, Bellamy.**


	13. asking for a favor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one with finn

_22 hours later_

  
Subject: The husband

**Mr Bellamy Blake.  
**

**Admittedly, I am deeply embarrassed that I even write you in the first place and  
my embarrassment already grows with every word. My name is Finn Collins and  
I don’t think you need a real introduction. In case you forgot, I am glad to remind you: I am Clarkes' husband.  
Her really desperate and somehow really humiliated husband, who contacts you with what may seem to be an unusual request. **

**But first: Mr Blake, this is not an e-Mail to tell you to stay the fuck out of my Clarkes' life.  
I can’t do that - because you're actually not really in it.  
For a couple of months now Clarke seems to be a little absent and distant, she spends a lot of time in her room,  
staring at her laptop or writing you and is shutting me out completely. And for that I am not even blaming you.  
You just happen to be the man sitting on the other side. I want to blame you, oh god, I really want to. But the truth is:  
You are not real. You are a fantasy. A fantasy man in Clarkes fantasy world. At least you are at the moment. **

**I have no idea what went wrong with our marriage and when it did, because until a few months ago everything was  
perfectly fine and we were more than just happy. I desperately tried to save whatever was left of it by going on a romantic  
vacation with Clarke. Let’s just say that it didn't really go the way I planned it to.  
Clarke and I met back in high school, but went separate ways right after that. It took us 3 years to find each other again  
and maybe our wedding was a little rushed, but I would never regret it. Clarke was 22. That’s almost five years in the past, already.  
And yes, with that I purposely gave you an insight on Clarkes' personal life. And I will end your guessing game right with it:  
The Clarke you ** **_know_ is almost 27.**

**Right, right, I should get to the point. Please don’t think I hacked her e-Mail account and spied on her.  
I actually was in her study room, looking for some documents when I found, quite openly and not hidden at all: A folder.  
With your whole e-Mail conversation, neatly printed out. I couldn’t read everything. But I’ve read enough to know that I am about to lose my  
wife to a faceless stranger that lives in her tiny little perfect fantasy world. And I can't let that happen. But how am I supposed to fight you? **

**Clarke has no idea how you look like, she doesn't know about the way you smile, about your flaws and,  
in general, what makes you you. You are untouchable and almost holy for her, as long as you _somehow_ just exist in her imagination.**

**That is exactly why I need to ask you to do me one simple favor: Meet. My. Wife… PLEASE.  
Arrange a date better sooner than later and _get it over with._ Do whatever the hell you want to do,  
I won't ever ask any questions or judge you. Just do it and give me Clarke back. Let me at least fight for her.  
It’s time to finally stop this little game you two were playing. It’s time for you to leave her fantasy life and let her go back into her real one.  
And I hope I don’t have to tell you that I would prefer this e-Mail to stay our little secret.  
Sincerely, **

**Finn Collins**

 

_24 hours later_

Subject: The imaginary friend

**Mr Collins,**

**please excuse the delay of my answer. I am still in shock. When I got your mail, I had to read it twice to  
truly realize that this is not a joke.  
But I want to keep this conversation as short as possible.  
I think what you did - mailing me - was a terrible mistake, _but I promise_ to really keep this a secret IF (!!!!)  
you never, ever and not in a million years go through your wifes’ personal stuff, e-Mails, WHATSOEVER! again.  
I won’t even talk about what you wrote in that mail. And I want to politely ask to never write me again. That includes an answer.  
You should have talked to your wife about this, not me. Like you said: I am not _really_ part of her life.  
I can’t help you - or her - in any way.  
Have a nice day,  
Bellamy Blake**


	14. ending things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one about boston and saying goodbye

_2 days later_

Subject: Madness

**Bellamy, I am going crazy!  
** **1.) Are you still alive?  
** **2.) Are you mad at me?  
** **3.) If 1.) Yes and 2.) No, why don't you message me?  
** **I miss you,  
** **Clarke**

 

_24 hours later_

No subject

**Who is she?**

 

_2 hours later_

AW:

**Who is who?**

 

_20 minutes later_

RE:

**The woman that stole you away from me and kept you busy for the last few days.**

 

_5 minutes later_

AW:

**There is no woman, Clarke. But I need to talk to you about something else…tomorrow.  
I have a business meeting now. **

 

_19 seconds later_

RE:

**Wait, what? You can't just leave me here!!!**

 

_3 hours later_  
  
Subject: ?!?!?!?!?!

**Bellamy Blake, spill it!!!**

 

_4 days later_

Subject: »Tomorrow«

**Is that what you call »tomorrow«? It’s been days!!!!!**

 

_2 days later_

Subject: Asshole

**Don’t make me call you an asshole again, asshole.**

 

_19 hours later_

Subject: Boston

**Clarke,  
** **it only took me a few hours to make a decision that could most definitely change my life.  
But it took me almost two weeks to tell you about it. So here it is: I am moving. To Boston. Aka the other side of the country.  
For not less then than two years. Why? Well, that’s pretty simple to explain: I got offered a wonderful job  
and I know I would regret it for the rest of my life if I wouldn’t take it. **

**There’s a lot I am going to miss, like seeing Octavia and my friends (YES, I REALLY DO HAVE FRIENDS) every day.  
And you, I am obviously going to miss you.   
Which takes me to another decision I made. It may seem harsh and it actually hurts a little,  
but: I’ve decided to quit writing you. And I want you to stop writing me, too, as soon as I move.  
I need to get you out of my head, Clarke. You can’t be my first thought in the morning when I wake up and  
the last before I go to sleep at night. That’s sick. You’re married. You have a husband. You have a life.  
You have challenges to face, duties to fulfill, responsibilities to meet. Whatever you look for in this conversation - an adventure, a distraction -  
I can't be that for you anymore. **

**Now a little something about me: I am 29-soon-to-be-30 (now you know) and I don’t plan to spent my life  
with a woman that’s only available for me in my mail-box. Boston is a chance for me to start over - you know how much I love fresh starts.  
And that’s why I can't take you with me.**

**For months I saw Clarke in every pretty woman on the street. _That could be her! What if that’s her?  
_ But none of them could ever keep up with _my_ Clarke. The one waiting for me before or after work, the one  
I spent so many hours with, the one in my computer. Let’s just face it: It’s sick. And it’s not healthy. **

**I need to end this, whatever _this_ is. Before it’s too late - if it’s not too late already.  
No one could ever take my memories and that’s what makes it worth it.**

**Bellamy.**

 

_2 hours later_

AW:

**That’s it? That’s how you want to end it? Weak performance, Bellamy.**

 

_19 minutes later_

RE:

**Not really. To end this in a proper way, I offer you to meet me.  
For real, this time. Just once. I promise I won’t back out.**

 

_3 minutes later_

AW:  
  
**What if I want to see you again after this?**

 

_2 minutes later_

RE:

**That’s not a possibility. Not for you. Not for me.**

 

_24 hours later_

Subject: Meeting you

**I’ve thought about this, Bellamy. There are some options of what could go through my head right after seeing you:**

**1.) Well, nice guy. But not as interesting in person as he seemed to be in his mails.  
But whatever.  
  
** **2.) Because of this loser I wasted so much of my precious time?  
  
** **3.) He would’ve been perfect for a little fling.  
Too bad he’s going to move to the other side of the country.   
  
** **4.) WOW, THIS GUY. THIS NIGHT. That was totally worth it! Done.  
Now I can go back and focus on my marriage and feeding my dog.  
  
** **5.) Shit. That guy could’ve changed my life for real. But now he is going to move to Massachusetts,  
 _that_ state in the US where you just can’t write or send e-Mails. Too bad, too bad.   
But I am going to wait for him to return in two years.   
I am going to pray for him to return everyday.**

**None of those seem like »a proper ending«, _right?_**

 

_33 minutes later_

AW:

**I am really going to miss you, Clarke.**

 

_55 seconds later_

RE:

**I know you will.**

 

_14 hours later_

No subject

**Fine, let’s do it. Where? When?**

 

_40 minutes later_

AW: 

**Dayton’s? Tomorrow?**

 

_3 minutes later_

RE: 

**Your place. Tomorrow, 7pm.**

 

_6 minutes later_

AW: 

**Why did you even ask?**

 

_20 seconds later_

RE:

**;-)**

 

_6 hours later_

Subject: Sex

**Do you have a little time to talk, Bellamy? I know it’s late. But I couldn't stop thinking about some things.  
** **(And as you said: talking or thinking about sex is my favorite thing to do, yeah, yeah…).**

**1.) Do you think that it’s possible for you to want to have sex with me tomorrow?  
  
2.) Do you think that **_I_ would want to have sex with _you?_

**3.) If you answer 1.) and 2.) with »yes«:  
** **Do you think we would feel _better_ right after we did it?**

 

_15 minutes later_

AW:

**1.) That’s possible, but that doesn't mean I will be so obvious about it.**

**2.) Also possible, but not likely.**

**3.) Maybe, for a short period. Until you realize you have a husband and you just cheated on him  
and until I realize it might have been my fault. **

 

_3 minutes later_

RE:

**My last question: Are you in love with me?**

 

_30 seconds later_

AW: 

**A little.**

 

_20 seconds later_

AW: 

**Just a little.**

 

_50 seconds later_

RE: 

**Goodnight, Bellamy.**

 

_34 seconds later_

AW:

**Goodnight, Clarke.**


	15. hurting feelings?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one where clarke fucked up

_10 hours later_

Subject: Dresscode?

**I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR!**

 

_2 minutes later_

AW:

**I am sure you are going to find something pretty.**

 

_9 minutes later_

RE:  


**But what do _you_ want me to wear?  
**

 

_3 minutes later_

AW:  
**  
Don't trust me on this one, Clarke. I mean, you should wear _something, right?_**

 

 

_55 seconds later_

RE:

**Bellamy Blake!**

 

_14 seconds later_

AW:  


**We are really doing this, right?  
**

 

_5 minutes later_

RE:  
**  
Yes. And because I want to look pretty for you, I need to get ready now. I will see you in a few hours.  
I am really excited to finally meet you. Even if it is to say goodbye. **

 

 

_26 hours later_

 

Subject: Regret

**Bellamy,**

**I know I am a horrible, awful person, but please - _please_ \- forgive me.  
You might think that what I did was unforgivable. Yet you remain absolutely quiet, you ask no questions, you are not getting angry,  
you don't show me your disappointment or anything else. Your silence is the lesson you want to teach me. It’s your punishment.  
And I get that - I really, really get that - but I want to try to explain to you, why I never came to your apartment.  
It was _literally_ last minute. I was on my way out, all dressed up and excited, when Finn came home from work.  
I had left him a note, you know? _Going out, coming home late, love you._ Something like that. And then I ran right into him.  
He looked at me, as if he wasn't surprised at all to see me in a dress and with a little too much make up and excitement in my face.  
I can’t and I don’t want to recap the whole conversation I had with Finn right after - the context is kind of boring,  
I just told him where I was going and who I was meeting - but what left me in shock was the fact that he used »right?«  
as a question tag THREE TIMES in about five minutes. What bothered me so much was not the fact that he never really uses question tags  
at the end of sentences, but the feeling that it sounded _wrong_ out of his mouth.  
I don’t want to hear him say it and see the smirk and the wink just like I imagined _you_ doing it. HE is not allowed to say it like that.  
I am probably being weird and ridiculous over this simple, little word, which is most definitely used by around 23894234 people everyday  
** **(totally not a randomly typed number, no!). It felt like he knew, like he knew what was going on with you, with** _me. Us._

 **But why did I stay home? And most importantly: Why didn’t I tell you I wasn't coming?  
** **I stayed home because I realized, that I may have always thought I could never cheat on Finn or anyone else  
** **\- not physically, not with my body -, but I actually started to cheat on him with my mind, with my soul, with my _heart_ a long time ago.  
I felt horrible. I still feel horrible.  
** **After talking to Finn - which for him must’ve been a meaningless conversation - I went back to my room,  
** **sat down in front of my computer and started writing: »My dear Bellamy. I am sorry, but I can’t come to see you tonight.  
It’s just too much right now. Forgive me.« And then I deleted it all. Because it wasn't enough.**

**Bellamy, I think I might have fallen in love with you, your words, your voice. And it scares me.**

**What now?  
  
Clarke. **

 

 

_10 seconds later_

 

AW:  
  
**ATTENTION. CHANGED MAIL-ADDRESS.  
USER CAN NO LONGER OPEN MAILS SENT TO THIS ADDRESS.  
NEW MAILS IN THE INBOX WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE DELETED.**

**FOR FURTHER INFORMATION AND/OR QUESTIONS, CONTACT THE SYSTEMS MANAGER.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the shortest chapter ever, but it still hurts a little and you will get more soon.
> 
>  
> 
> Something I wanted to say: THANK YOU. So. So. So. Much. I am thankful for every single comment and it makes me so so happy to see that this is exactly going as I planned it. Keep on reading, there is much more to come!


	16. managing systems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one where clarke gets to know the systems manager

_2 minutes later_

RE: 

**Is this a joke?**

_10 seconds later_

AW:

**ATTENTION. CHANGED MAIL-ADDRESS.  
USER CAN NO LONGER OPEN MAILS SENT TO THIS ADDRESS.  
NEW MAILS IN THE INBOX WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE DELETED.   
** **FOR FURTHER INFORMATION AND/OR QUESTIONS, CONTACT THE SYSTEMS MANAGER.**

 

_4 minutes later_

RE:   


**Please tell me that this is a joke.**

****_10 seconds later_

AW:

**ATTENTION. CHANGED MAIL-ADDRESS.  
USER CAN NO LONGER OPEN MAILS SENT TO THIS ADDRESS.  
NEW MAILS IN THE INBOX WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE DELETED.   
** **FOR FURTHER INFORMATION AND/OR QUESTIONS, CONTACT THE SYSTEMS MANAGER.**

 

_30 seconds later_

RE: **  
Bellamy, please.  
** **Please.**

_10 seconds later_

AW:  
****

**ATTENTION. CHANGED MAIL-ADDRESS.  
USER CAN NO LONGER OPEN MAILS SENT TO THIS ADDRESS.  
NEW MAILS IN THE INBOX WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE DELETED.   
** **FOR FURTHER INFORMATION AND/OR QUESTIONS, CONTACT THE SYSTEMS MANAGER.**

 

_3 weeks later_

Subject: Hello

**Hello.**

_10 seconds later_

AW:  
  
**ATTENTION. CHANGED MAIL-ADDRESS.  
USER CAN NO LONGER OPEN MAILS SENT TO THIS ADDRESS.  
NEW MAILS IN THE INBOX WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE DELETED.   
** **FOR FURTHER INFORMATION AND/OR QUESTIONS, CONTACT THE SYSTEMS MANAGER.**

 

_4 weeks later_

No subject **  
Bellamy, I really miss you.**

_10 seconds later_

AW:

**ATTENTION. CHANGED MAIL-ADDRESS.  
** **USER CAN NO LONGER OPEN MAILS SENT TO THIS ADDRESS.  
** **NEW MAILS IN THE INBOX WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE DELETED.  
** **FOR FURTHER INFORMATION AND/OR QUESTIONS, CONTACT THE SYSTEMS MANAGER.**

 

_6 months later_

No subject

**Hola!  
**

_ 10 seconds later _

AW:

**ATTENTION. CHANGED MAIL-ADDRESS.  
USER CAN NO LONGER OPEN MAILS SENT TO THIS ADDRESS.  
NEW MAILS IN THE INBOX WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE DELETED.   
** **FOR FURTHER INFORMATION AND/OR QUESTIONS, CONTACT THE SYSTEMS MANAGER.**

_  
30 seconds later _

RE: 

**When is this going to stop?**

_10 seconds later_

AW:

**ATTENTION. CHANGED MAIL-ADDRESS.  
USER CAN NO LONGER OPEN MAILS SENT TO THIS ADDRESS.  
NEW MAILS IN THE INBOX WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE DELETED.   
** **FOR FURTHER INFORMATION AND/OR QUESTIONS, CONTACT THE SYSTEMS MANAGER.**

 

_ 4 days later _

Subject: Managing systems

**Dear Mr Systems Manager,  
** **how are you today… tomorrow, yesterday, all the time? Pretty cold outside, isn't it?  
** **Oh, by the way: I really do have a question for you. We share a friend, his name is Bellamy Blake.  
UNFORTUNATELY I forgot his new E-Mail address. I wonder wether you help me with that and send it to me?  
Thank you.   
** **I am sending you a virtual hug (maybe that helps),  
** **Clarke Griffin**

_10 seconds later_

AW:

**ATTENTION. CHANGED MAIL-ADDRESS.  
USER CAN NO LONGER OPEN MAILS SENT TO THIS ADDRESS.  
NEW MAILS IN THE INBOX WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE DELETED.   
** **FOR FURTHER INFORMATION AND/OR QUESTIONS, CONTACT THE SYSTEMS MANAGER.**

_  
50 seconds later _

RE:

**Sorry, but you’re really lacking in variety.  
** **Actually, I am not sorry, but I try to be nice.  
** **Have a good night, Mr Systems Manager.**

_10 seconds later_

AW:

**ATTENTION. CHANGED MAIL-ADDRESS.  
USER CAN NO LONGER OPEN MAILS SENT TO THIS ADDRESS.  
NEW MAILS IN THE INBOX WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE DELETED.  
** **FOR FURTHER INFORMATION AND/OR QUESTIONS, CONTACT THE SYSTEMS MANAGER.**

_  
12 days later _

Subject: Three questions

**Mr Systems Manager (what is your _real_ name - we have known each other for so long now…),  
I really really really need Mr »User« Bellamy Blake’s new E-Mail address.  
Because I need to ask him three questions, IT’S URGENT!  
1.) Is he still alive?  
2.) Is he still in Boston?  
3.) Did he already meet another, better online friend (or something like that)?  
I can live with it, if 1.) and 2.) would be answered with yes. But not the third questions.  
It has been more than six months. I will forgive him if he had another ten fresh starts with Lilly,  
or if he got married to three woman at once and got them all pregnant and made many many tiny little Bellamys.  
But I will never - I repeat: NEVER - forgive him IF HE MET ANOTHER WOMAN ON THE INTERNET BY ACCIDENT  
AND FELL !A LITTLE BIT! IN LOVE WITH HER. Not that, he is not and never will be allowed to do that.  
Please just do me a favor and tell him, will you? Tell him that I miss him. A lot.  
I look forward to your response in exactly ten seconds!  
Clarke Griffin**

_  
10 seconds later_

AW:

**ATTENTION. CHANGED MAIL-ADDRESS.  
USER CAN NO LONGER OPEN MAILS SENT TO THIS ADDRESS.  
NEW MAILS IN THE INBOX WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE DELETED.  
** **FOR FURTHER INFORMATION AND/OR QUESTIONS, CONTACT THE SYSTEMS MANAGER.**

_  
4 months later _

No subject

**Hello Bellamy,  
I know you will never read this. But I _coincidentally_ drove by you're house the other day.  
Did you take lodgers in your apartment? If so: Don’t be surprised about the power bill -  
they left the lights on the whole night.  
** **Have a nice day, have a nice life, Clarke**

_ 10 minutes later _

No subject

**Hello?**

_1 minute later_

No subject

**Mr Systems Manager? Where are you?**

_ 3 minutes later _

No Subject **  
Should I be worried? Or hope that this means……………?**

_ 11 hours later _

Subject: Back from Boston

**Dear Clarke, you have the instincts of a detective, don’t you? I am going to ignore the fact  
that you basically admitted to stalk my apartment, but: I AM BACK HOME.  
So, no one else than me is leaving the lights on. Except for Roma, that is.  
I hope you’re okay, Clarke. I really hope so.  
Bellamy.**

_ 23 hours later _

AW: **  
Am I dreaming or is this real life? I can’t believe it.**

_ 20 seconds later _

AW: **  
Wait… Roma? Did you get a dog? And how did you manage to teach your dog to turn the lights on.  
I need to know, Fox could be of so much help on one of my lazy days.**

_  
3 hours later _

RE: **  
No dog at all, more like a girlfriend.**


	17. being bitter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one where they actually meet - and i am not messing with you this time!

_ 7 hours later _

AW:  


**Thanks for letting me know that you're alive - but I kind of miss the Systems Manager.  
At least I was able to peacefully talk with him about the weather.   
  
**

_ 3 minutes later _

RE:  
**  
Systems Manager?**

_ 2 hours later _

AW:  
**  
Long story. We became friends after you left me all alone.**

_ 4 minutes later _

RE:  
**  
Dearest Clarke, you sound bitter.**

_ 30 seconds later _

AW:  
**  
I am bitter.**

_ 4 hours later _

RE:  
**  
Clarke,**

**I should’ve never mailed you back.  
I am sorry about the way I broke our connection right before I went to Boston.  
I never wanted to hurt you in any way, I just thought it was easier that way. Clarke, I missed you.  
Even though you are - kind of - a part of me and I took you with me to the other side of the continent,  
as my illusion of perfection, my wishful thinking, everything I wanted and everything I could never have.  
But, as I told you before, I knew that this was not healthy. I had to move on. I moved on.  
I met someone in Boston. It’s to early to say anything about how and where this might be going, you know.  
She wants to move here and we want to give it a try.**

**After you never showed up that night, I knew you made a decision. Maybe my way of reacting on  
it was a little harsh, but I am not going to lie to you: I was hurt. But not for long. And not anymore.  
It’s been more than ten month since then and I don't think it would do us any good to give this another shot.  
You're not Lilly, Clarke. I don’t want to start over with you again. And again. And again.  
Let us just appreciate what we had. Let us not destroy those memories. **

**Yours, Bellamy**

_ 20 minutes later _

AW:

**Saying: »Well, Clarke, you might be my illusion of perfection but I really don’t  
want to talk to you anymore« would have been way faster to finally end this.**

_  
24 hours later_

Subject: End.

**Fine, Bellamy. I respect your opinion on this and because I respect you in general,  
as a person and a friend and… well, because of that, I stopped being bitter. So yes, that’s it.  
I am going to leave you alone, for good. I am going to stop writing you…. very soon.  
I just need a little something for you in return. ONE. HOUR. Jus one hour with you, face to face.  
I don’t expect anything from you. I just want to talk with you, for real. I just need to _see_ you one time.  
I need to know the real you, I need to look into your eyes just once.  
Please. Please, Bellamy. **

_13 hours later_

AW:

**Okay. Let’s do this. But that’s your last chance.**

_2 minutes later_

RE:

**YES! When, where?**

_30 seconds later_

AW:

**Somewhere with enough emergency exits. Just in case.**

_1 minute later_

RE:

**Dayton’s Café, then? Saturday, 2 pm?  
Please don’t bring your sister. **

_5 minutes later_

AW:

**Sounds good. I won’t bring my sister. And before you get any ideas:  
I won’t bring Roma, either. So don’t worry.**

_9 minutes later_

RE:

**Do you want me to tell you what I look like?**

_12 minutes later_

AW:

**You don’t have to.  
I am sure I will know who you are when I see you. **

_19 hours later_

No subject

**Please try to avoid talking about the following topics tomorrow:  
1.) Outer appearances - we’re not shallow and you know it.  
** **2.) Roma  
** **3.) Finn  
** **I want this hour to be** **_just us._ Think we can manage that? **

_2 hours later_

AW:

**What is there left to say?**

****_40 seconds later_

RE:

**Enough.**

_32 seconds later_

AW:

**Okay.**

_22 seconds later_

RE:

**Okay.**

_15 hours later_

No subject

**Are you nervous?**

_20 minutes later_

AW: 

**Extremely.**

_5 minutes later_

RE:

**Three more hours.**

  
_11 minutes later_

AW: 

**Two hours and forty-nine minutes.**

_2 minutes later_

RE:

**I’ll see you soon.**

_4 minutes later_

AW:

**See you soon, Bellamy.**

 

 

**\- - -**

_6 hours later_

No Subject

**Thank you, Clarke.**

_7 minutes later_

AW:

**Yeah, sure, no problem, Bellamy.**

_12 hours later_

Subject: Was it…

**… That bad?**

****  
_9 minutes later_

AW:

**You know how it was, you were there too. You talked to me for around 78 minutes.  
You smiled for at least 60 minutes. You have been a little shy in the beginning. But no, it was not bad. Not bad at all. **

_7 minutes later_

RE:

**»It was not bad«. What was it then?**

_13 minutes later_

AW: 

**You tell me.**

_2 hours later_

RE:

**I tried, I tried my best to put into words what I thought about meeting you and how I felt.  
I failed to badly, that I am just going to try it the other way around.  
I will now tell you what YOU thought and felt while meeting me.**

**1.) I was the first to get there and it bothered you.  
  
2.) You were surprised, that I had no trouble at all to recognize you.  
  
3.) Me kissing your cheek as if it was absolutely normal was weird for you  
(You refused to let me kiss the other one, yes, I got that).  
  
** **4.) You felt like you were talking to a stranger who claimed to be Bellamy Blake.  
  
** **5.) At least, that stranger was not at all unlikeable. He looked into your eyes.  
He opened and closed his mouth right on time. He didn’t panic when there happened to be small, but awkward silences.  
His breath was not smelly and he was quite decent in general.  
Charming, but not flirty, pleasant to talk to and not boring.**

**Yet, you constantly looked down to your watch - which I remember was your fathers - to check  
how much longer you had to take this.  
Nothing about me was familiar to you, nothing reminded you of Bellamy Blake, your E-Mail friend.**

**And that is why you're disappointed. »So that’s him? Well, huh. Hm.«  
_Right?_**


	18. telling the truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one where the systems manager comes back (NOT FOR LONG, I PROMISE!!!)

_36 minutes later_

AW:

**I really love that watch. I’ve been wearing it since my dad died. Which you already know.**

_24 hours later_

Subject: Truth

**Fine, Bellamy.**

**1.) Oh hell yes, it bothered me, Mr. Extremely Over-Punctual.**

**2.) Congratulations, Bellamy! You did good hiding it and I almost didn't noticed how surprised  
YOU were that I looked completely different than you thought I would. **

**3.) Yes, I was a little confused - I was going for a solid handshake and you just kissed my cheek.  
It was awkward and I felt uncomfortable; not going to lie. **

**4.) Again: Congratulations, Bellamy! I almost didn't noticed how surprised you were that I turned  
** **out to be not only blonde, but also much more shy and calm than you expected.**

**5.) And you also did good hiding how hard it was for you to keep those brown puppy  
eyes - sorry, but I am not even sorry! - in contact with mine and show that bright smile at the same time.  
(Where did that scar right above your upper lip come from? I was wondering the whole time, still am.)**

**6.) Also: Your freckles are just. not. fair. Nothing more to say about it.**

**7.) But other then that (Yes, I am done talking about your looks)? No, I wasn't disappointed.  
More like… disenchanted, maybe? Oh Bellamy, you were nice and friendly and oh so charming, yet you were distant.  
And it actually felt like you weren’t really there. You’re body sure was, but not your soul, not you. Not Bellamy. Not _my_ Bellamy.  
So maybe you where right about that one. I felt like I was talking to a stranger.  
A stranger that knew me too well and that’s what made me feel weird.**

**Our _date_  in seven words: I was shy and you were distant.**

_ 2 hours later _

Subject: Something else

**I bet your curls feel as soft as they look.  
Doesn't really change the fact that you need a haircut though.**

_5 minutes later_

AW:

**Can I ask you something personal and completely off-topic?**

_30 seconds later_

RE:

**I wonder what that could be!**

_55 seconds later_

AW:

**Are you still with Finn?**

_4 minutes later_

RE: 

**Oh yeah, yeah sure. Of course. Why are you asking?**

_15 seconds later_

AW:

**Personal interest.**

_40 seconds later_

RE:

**In me?**

  
_30 seconds later_

AW:

**In your personal life.**

_2 minutes later_

RE:

**Now can I ask you something personal and not so off-topic?**

_30 seconds later_

AW: 

**I wonder what that could be!**

  
_1 minute later_

RE:

**Do you regret meeting me in person?**

_2 minutes later_

AW:

**Yes.**

 

 

** \--- **

_2 days later_

Subject: I WANT TO TALK TO YOU NOW

**clalalalalalalalalarke! i am drunk. and lonely. big mistake. never be both at the same time.  
big big mistake. also: never touch your laptop and mail clarke griffin when you have trouble typing  
(sorry, too lazy to use capital letters when needed).**

**i don’t know where to start. what did i even wanted to write you? i cant really remember.**

**roma left for boston yesterday. i already told you that she wants to move here, get a job, and give _us_ a chance.  
but did i tell you that she wants to move _into my apartment with me? c_ razy, huh?  
as good as i know - which still isn't good enough - you would ask me now: »do you love her?«. no.  
i mean yes, i do. i do love her when she's here. i only love her when she’s here. do you understand what i mean?  
it’s so hard to explain, i need another glass of wine. red wine. you love red wine, don’t you?  
give me a minute, i am getting one for you too.  
i am back now. you know, clarke, you're the only one, the only one, the only one, that… how do i say it?  
the only one that’s always here with me even if you're not here. and i have to tell you something else.  
no, i can’t. i can’t tell you. you have a husband, you're married, you're happy.  
and i have roma. and when she’s not here, i have red wine.  
but i can tell you that you're beautiful. not that i ever doubted that because all those mails  
in the beginning screamed: »LOOK AT ME I AM BEAUTIFUL«. you really are. yesterday i dreamt about you,  
i saw your face, your real face. i don't care about you're boobs or how big they are. but i care about your eyes,  
your soft jawline, your lips, the way you say my name and look at me. i tried so hard not to care,  
i tried so hard not to like you or not to care if i like you or not when we met. but i failed.  
thats why i regret meeting you. i saw ** **_you_ and i really cant go back. i am lost. and now my head hurts.**

**i need to send this. and go to sleep.**

**how do i send this?**

**oh, right.**

_19 hours later_

Subject: Drunk mails

**Bellamy, last night I got a mail from you. A drunk mail. Those are my favorites.  
Do you remember it? I can send it to you, if you want. It’s beautiful. It really made my day.  
Drink more often, you're such a sweet person when you're drunk.**

_  
1 hour later_

AW:

**Yes, I do remember and I still feel a little sick. But you know what?  
I am not even sorry for telling you anything I wrote in that mail.  
I need sleep now, goodnight Clarke. **

 

_17 hours later_

Subject: Second try

**Dear Bellamy, I want to meet you again. Let’s give this another shot, please?  
Just for a coffee - I don't even expect you to pay this time ;-).  
I don’t want to talk about our dead parents or our jobs this time, I don't want this to be awkward again,  
I just want to see you and talk to you like I do here. I don’t want me to be shy and you to be distant.  
I want the real Bellamy. (You can order red wine if it helps!)  
** **Clarke**

_24 hours later_

Subject: ??

**A simple »no« as an answer would be enough, you know.**

_2 days later_

No subject

**Fine, I get it! As long as I don't have to deal with the systems manager again.**

 

_10 seconds later_

AW:

**ATTENTION. CHANGED MAIL-ADDRESS.  
USER CAN NO LONGER OPEN MAILS SENT TO THIS ADDRESS.  
NEW MAILS IN THE INBOX WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE DELETED.  
** **FOR FURTHER INFORMATION AND/OR QUESTIONS, CONTACT THE SYSTEMS MANAGER.**

 

_2 minutes later_

RE: 

**Oh, you have got to be freaking kidding me.**

_10 seconds later_

AW:

**ATTENTION. CHANGED MAIL-ADDRESS.  
USER CAN NO LONGER OPEN MAILS SENT TO THIS ADDRESS.  
NEW MAILS IN THE INBOX WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE DELETED.  
** **FOR FURTHER INFORMATION AND/OR QUESTIONS, CONTACT THE SYSTEMS MANAGER.**


	19. ruining relationships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one about a beautiful little spot on the palm of bellamys left hand

_24 hours later_

No subject  
  
**Clarke, tell me if you're getting this e-Mail.**

_3 hours later_

AW:  
  
**What did I do to deserve the systems manager?**

_6 minutes later_

RE:  
  
**Clarke, I am sorry, so sorry (even though I still don’t know what you mean when  
you talk about the systems manager) but there was some kind of bug on my  
mail account and they blocked it. I don’t really know what happened,  
but I am glad that it’s all back to normal now.**

**Did you write me?**

_20 minutes later_

AW:  
  
**Yes, I mailed you. I asked you something. I waited three days for an answer that never came.  
I was just as scared as I was before you went to Boston. I even called you. But all I got was:  
»This number is currently unavailable.« Yet I called again. With the same result, obviously.  
Maybe I was crying a little bit - but don’t tell anyone.  
It’s good to know that you're back - or never intentionally left me.   
  
**

_2 minutes later_

RE:  
  
**Sooo, you missed me. Good to know. ;-)  
Now tell me what you asked me?**

_1 minute later_

AW:   
  
**Short version: Tomorrow, 3pm, Dayton’s?**

 **  
** _4 minutes later_

RE:  
  
**Yes, but… No, no »but«s. YES.**

_30 seconds later_

AW:  
  
**Bellamy, you’re the most confusing human being EVER.**

_12 hours later_

Subject: Coffee  
  
**So, today is happening?**

_2 minutes later_

AW:  
  
**Of course, IF (!!) you promise it won’t be as awkward as before.**

_5 minutes later_

RE:  
  
**You know I can't promise that, Clarke, but I will try my best.**

_30 seconds later_

AW:  
  
**You better.**

_6 hours later_

Subject: You

**Bellamy, this time I want to be the first one to say THANK YOU.  
Thank you for meeting me again and finally convincing me that it was really _you._  
And not making it awkward at all. Thank you for telling me stories about a young and very rebellious Bellamy.  
Thank you for telling me about Octavia, your mother - YOUR LIFE. Thank you for talking to me at all,  
for letting me in even if it sure was hard for you. Thank you for listening to me.  
Thank you for being** **_there_. Thank you for being _you_.**

**PS: You got a haircut. I am so proud of you and also: DAMN, Mr Blake.  
  
**

_1 hour later_

AW:   
  
**Clarke, look at your hand.  
Imagine one line going from your thumb to your little finger and another going straight down from your middle finger.  
Right where those lines would cross is a tiny spot that won’t stop tingling.  
I feel the heat radiating from it, warming up my whole body. It’s a good feeling. It’s like a drug.  
And it’s constantly reminding me that you are real, you are you, you are my Clarke and no one else.  
And all of this only because you accidentally touched me while wanting to grab some sugar for your coffee.  
But that spot on the inside of my left hand is mine now. No one can take it away again.**

**Also: I looked at your hand.  
Tell me why you’re not wearing your ring anymore.**

_20 minutes later_

RE:  
  
**Bellamy, that was the most beautiful thing** **I’ve read in a long time.  
** **But please don’t ruin it.**

_12 minutes later_

AW:   
  
**Ruin it? You mean like Finn ruined our friendship?**

  
_3 minutes later_

RE:   
  
**What do you mean?**

  
_2 hours later_

No subject

**BELLAMY!Answer me!!!!!**

_1 hour later_

AW:

**I am sorry I didn't tell you earlier, Clarke.  
After you read this you might know that I took the little »deal«. I tried to meet you and went to Boston right after that.  
All I wanted in return was for Finn to give you your privacy back.  
With telling you I broke a promise I made. And I know it might make you really angry.  
But I can’t keep something that important from you anymore.**

_ ATTACHED: _

Subject: The husband

  _ **Mr Bellamy Blake.**_

 _**Admittedly, I am deeply embarrassed that I even write you in the first place and my embarrassment already** _  
_**grows with every word. My name is Finn Collins and I don’t think you need a real introduction .** _  
_**In case you forgot, I am glad to remind you: I am Clarkes' husband.** _  
_**Her really desperate and somehow really humiliated husband, who contacts you with what may seem to be** _  
_**an unusual request.** _

**_But first: Mr Blake, this is not an e-Mail to tell you to stay the fuck out of my Clarkes life._  
_I can’t do that - because you're actually not really in it._  
_For a couple of months now Clarke seems to be a little absent and distant, she spends a lot of time in her room,_  
_staring at her laptop or writing you and is shutting me out completely._  
_And for that I am not even blaming you. You just happen to be the man sitting on the other side._  
_I want to blame you, oh god, I really want to. But the truth is: You are not_ _real._  
** **_You are a fantasy. A fantasy man in Clarkes fantasy world. At least you are at the moment._**

 ** _I have no idea what went wrong with our marriage and when it did, because_  
_until a few months ago everything was perfectly fine and we were more than just happy._  
_I desperately tried to save whatever was left of it by going on a romantic vacation with Clarke._  
_Let’s just say that it didn't really go the way I planned it to._  
_Clarke and I met back in high school, but went separate ways right after that._  
_It took us 3 years to find each other again and maybe our wedding was a little rushed, but I would never regret it._  
_Clarke was 22. That’s almost five years in the past, already._  
_And yes, with that I purposely gave you an insight on Clarkes personal life._  
** _**And I will end your guessing game right with it: The Clarke you** _ _**know is almost 27.**_

 _**Right, right, I should get to the point. Please don’t think I hacked her e-Mail account and spied on her.** _  
_**I actually was in her study room, looking for some documents when I found, quite openly and not hidden at all:** _  
_**A folder. With your whole e-Mail conversation, neatly printed out and arranged.** _  
_**I couldn’t read everything. But I’ve read enough to know that I am about to loose my wife** _  
_**to a faceless stranger that lives in her tiny little perfect fantasy world.** _  
_**And I can't let that happen. But how am I supposed to fight you?** _

_ **Clarke has no idea how you look like, she doesn't know about the way you smile, about your flaws and, in general, what makes you you. You are untouchable and almost holy for her, as long as you somehow just exist in her imagination.** _

_**That is exactly why I need to ask you to do me one simple favor: Meet. My. Wife… PLEASE.** _  
_**Arrange a date better sooner than later and get it over with.** _  
_**Do whatever the hell you want to do, I won't ever ask any questions or judge you. Just do it and give me Clarke back.** _  
_**Let me at least fight for her. It’s time to finally stop this little game you two were playing.** _  
_**It’s time for you to leave her fantasy life and let her go back into her real one.** _  
_**And I hope I don’t have to tell you that I would prefer this e-Mail to stay our little secret.** _  
_**Sincerely,** _

**_ Finn Collins  _ **

_5 minutes later_

RE:  
  
**Don’t think this would change anything.**

_3 minutes later_

AW:  
  
**I didn’t ask you to get divorced or anything like that, Clarke.  
You know that.**

_19 seconds later_

RE:  
  
**I wouldn't get divorced.**

_30 seconds later_

AW:  
  
**I know.**

_50 seconds later_

RE:  
  
**No, you don’t. Ask me why.**

_3 minutes later_

AW:  
**  
Why would I do that? It’s none of my business.**

_8 minutes later_

RE:  
  
**Bellamy, just do it.**

_5 minutes later_

AW:

**Fine.**  
**Why wouldn’t you get divorced?**

_10 seconds later_

RE:  
  
**Because I already am.**

 


	20. finding eachother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one where things changed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, guyyyys, this is the last chapter written entirely as an e-mail conversation. fyi: one more, finishing chapter will follow. thank you all for sticking around! your comments/reactions on this are what i live for! <3

_20 minutes later_

AW: _**  
** _ ** No. **

_ 2 minutes later _

RE: **  
Yes. For exactly 142 days. If you can’t remember:  
That was somewhere around the time we weren't talking.**

_ 5 minutes later _

AW:  
**Why would you keep that from me?**

_ 7 minutes later _

RE: **  
I didn’t keep that from you. I just didn’t tell you all along.  
And you never asked, so…**

_ 2 minutes later _

AW:  
**I never had a reason to ask.**

_ 4 minutes later _

RE: **  
Now you have.**

_ 30 seconds later _

AW:  
**Fine, if you say so. Why?**

_ 7 minutes later _

RE: **  
Honestly, I knew this relationship, _marriage_ , was over a long time before I  
found out my husband disrespected my privacy. I told you once that everything about my  
marriage, about my husband, was totally fine and fantastic and wonderful and perfect.  
And well, you probably know that it was a straight lie. I mean, what happy couple sleeps in separated rooms,  
almost never spends time together and gets a little awkward when they have to share a couch while watching tv?  
Yeah, right. Nothing about this was healthy anymore. Maybe it never was a healthy relationship?  
You know, years ago, when Finn and I got together, something happened. Short version: He cheated… well, kinda.  
Maybe I will tell you about it when I am ready, which I am not. Not yet. Anyways. I forgave him.  
And now I know it was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made.  
So I moved out, I took Fox with me, we got divorced.**

  
_20 minutes later_

AW: **  
All I want is for you to be happy.**

_ 5 minutes later _

RE: **  
Well, I am. Or at least I think I am going to be.**

_ 3 minutes later _

AW:  
**And now what?**

_ 1 minute later _

RE: **  
Now I need a drink. Whiskey.**

_ 30 seconds later _

AW: **  
And after that?**

_ 20 seconds later _

RE: **  
After that, you can ask me if I want to come over to see you.**

_ 20 minutes later _

AW: **  
Are you done with your drink?**

_ 2 minutes later _

RE: **  
YES.**

_ 1 minute later _

AW: **  
Do you want to come over?**

_ 4 minutes later _

RE: **  
YES.**

_ 22 seconds later _

AW: **  
Now?**

_ 10 seconds later _

RE **:  
YES.**

 

**\-----------**

_  
24 hours later _

No subject  
**1.) I am incredibly mad that you didn't tell me about Roma.  
** **»I wanted to tell you in person« (yes, I am imitating your voice right now) DOES NOT COUNT as an explanation.  
** **2.) Yet I am also incredibly happy you broke up with her. (That sounds way more bitchy than I mean it.  
** **Poor woman, honestly. At least you ended it before she really took the job and moved here. Does that make you the good guy?)  
** **3.) Thank you for last night.**

  
11 minutes later

AW: **  
I think you accidentally took one of my shirts and left your blouse on my floor.**

  
  
2 minutes later

RE: **  
Right… »accidentally«. Haha.**

4 minutes later

AW: **  
I am going to want that back some day.**

5 minutes later

RE: **  
** **You’re probably getting it back.**

20 seconds later

RE: **  
** **Some day.**

_ 11 seconds later _

RE:  
**In the distant future.**

_ 3 minutes later_

AW: **  
Does that mean…?  
  
**

_ 5 minutes later _

RE: **  
** **That I plan on stopping by more often to see you? Yes it does.**

 

_ 3 hours later _

 

Subject: Bellamy Blake and his lips  
**I had some time thinking about what happened last night and came to two conclusions:  
** **1.) Oh. My. GOD.  
** **2.) I never thought kissing you, _feeling you,_ would be like this.   
** **3.) I obviously still need time to process this (and I mean it in a good way, believe me).  
  
**

 

_ 5 minutes later _

AW: **  
1.) No need to call me god. I usually just go by Bellamy. ;-)**

  
30 seconds later

AW: **  
NOPE. Just forget it. I am just not getting better at the humor stuff.  
** **(I TRIED, I STOLE A LINE, I FAILED, LETS PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED).**

**  
** _2 minutes later_

  
Subject: The real answer.  
**1.) I wish I could see you while saying this. What kind of »oh my god« is that? A bad one?  
** **Because 2.) Shit. Was it that awful?**

**  
** _4 minutes later_

AW: **  
It wasn't awful and you know it.**

_ 5 minutes later _

RE: **  
Maybe I’ll let you call me god after all.**

_ 32 seconds later _

AW: **  
You wish.**

_ 27 seconds later _

RE: **  
I wish a lot of things, Clarke. ;-)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (and since someone!!!!! didnt get it: yes, bellamy and clarke totally did it)


	21. being happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> epilogue, sort of.

_ 7 months later _

When Bellamy opens his eyes, he is alone. Which really is surprising, since he normally wakes up with a face full of blonde hair.   
Clarke Griffin is the most unpleasant person to share a bed with while sleeping. She talks, she kicks, she takes all the space,  
takes all of the covers or does the complete opposite thing and mistakes his body for the mattress.  
Still, he is a little disappointed to find her side of the bed cold and empty.  
A little later, when he gets out of the shower, his phone makes a little buzzing noise and he feels a little less lonely as soon as he sees who texted him.

 

**Clarke (10:23 am):**

****_**Bellamy, be my Knight in shining armor!**  
**I think I forgot my keys at home. Can you look for them and bring them to lunch?**  
**Possible locations:**  
_**_1.) Pocket of your sweatshirt from yesterday; I wore it this morning to get the mail_**

**_2.) My black jeans - in the laundry basket_ **

**_3.) Bathroom, next to the toilet. Don't ask. Just look if it is there.  
_** **_I love you. I miss you. See you later._ **

 

**Bellamy (10:46 am):  
****_  
_ _Everything for you, your majesty._**

  **Bellamy (10:48 am):**

_ **Found it. Bathroom. I think I need an explanation!** _

**Bellamy (10:49 am):  
_  
_** **_But as good as I know you, I won’t be getting one, right?  
_ ** **_See you later, beautiful._**

 

** Clarke (10:53 am): _  
  
;-)_**

 

_ \---------- _

_ 2 years later _

Bellamys sense of humour never got any better. And that’s why Clarke is furious. She found a note pinned to the fridge this morning,  
showing Bellamys clean and elegantly curved handwriting: _If it’s a boy, we can call him Finn.  
_ What she got mad about is obvious:   
First: She isn’t and never will be ready for those kind of jokes about Finn. Not when those jokes come from Bellamy… Or really any other person.  
So: That was really, really inappropriate. And rude.  
Second: How on earth could he possibly have known? Clarke herself wasn't even really sure, not until the day before - when she went to see the doctor.  
She wanted to surprise him, cook him dinner, tell him about the news.   
And she was  _so_ prepared to his unique oh-my-god-what-is-breathing-face.  
But right now, Bellamy doesn't even bother to pick up his goddamn phone. Of course not.   
Clarke is certain that Lady Fortune herself made Bellamy Blake stumble into her life for the sole purpose to drive her insane.  
Or ruin everything.  
Little did she know back in the days of their innocent internet-friendship about Bellamys miraculous talent to switch from  
cute little puppy dog to the insensitive ass with an ego the size of the United States. 

 

 **Clarke (1:34 pm):  
  
** **_Are you freaking serious, Bellamy?_**

 

**** **Bellamy (1:39 pm):** **  
**

_ **Language, princess!** _

 

**Clarke (1:41 pm):**

_ **Don’t you princess me when I am mad at you!** _

 

 **Bellamy (1:43 pm):  
  
** **_Calm down, princess._**

 

 **Clarke (1:44 pm):  
  
** **_I hate you._**

 

**Bellamy (1:48 pm):  
  
_No you don’t, you looooooove me._  
  
**

**Clarke (1:51 pm):  
  
YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE!**

 

 **Bellamy (1:55 pm):  
**  
**_Yeah, well, you married that asshole!_**

**Clarke (1:56 pm):  
**

_**Where can I unmarry you?** _

**Bellamy (1:58 pm):  
**  
_**You don't want that.**_  
_**I mean, not when we're getting a tiny asshole mini-me.**_  
_**Or a tiny princess mini-you. :-)**_

 

  
»Oh, that motherfucker«, Clarke whispers - but there is a smile on her face, when she puts away the phone.  
And even though most of the time she still isn't sure if she would prefer to kiss the living hell out of Bellamy  
or strangle him with her bare hands (both really aggressively, of course),  
she knows for certain that she couldn't be any happier than she is right now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THAT'S IT.  
> really short last chapter, because i tried to make this a little cute and obviously i failed, but whatever.  
> i really hope you enjoyed this fic, even though it took me so long to upload everything. lots of love to all of you and thank you for sticking around, commenting this and making me want to write more and more and more because I LOVED TO SEE WHATEVER YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THIS. i had a lot of fun and i hope that you did too!  
> bye <3


End file.
